


love is an instinct (i feel it with you)

by lushwang (theangryblob)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub Undertones, Established Relationship, Exes to Lovers, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oral Sex, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Drug Use, Pining, Riding, Smut, Teasing, hoshi get out of your head challenge, past homophobia, surprise! rimming, this doesnt qualify for slowburn because im incapable of writing satisfaction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-09-06 09:02:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20288887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theangryblob/pseuds/lushwang
Summary: have your cake and eat it too.(kwon soonyoung burns through his past life for a chance at a new one, and wonders if he's finally allowed to have what he wants)





	love is an instinct (i feel it with you)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [meru1412](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meru1412/gifts).

> look at me! pretending i care about healthy relationships enough to write them! 
> 
> i have a lot of thoughts about this fic and im just gonna leave it till the end . big departure from my usual style. 
> 
> a gift for yara and ana, who have been helping me and suffering through all 190000 versions of this fic since i first told them about it
> 
> 20200621 // Edited slightly.

** _09:26 PM, DECEMBER 30_ **

“good night!” he calls, lifting his hand in a wave. the security guard waves back, giving him a warm smile before returning to his computer. he’s a portly old man, messy hair curling around his ears in a way that’s almost cherubic. soonyoung doubts he could do any real _ protecting_, but there’s hardly any risk.

he lingers for a second at the door, before he shuts it behind him, heading downstairs. 

it’s not exactly late, but it’s _ cold_, and when he steps outside it feels like he’s been slapped, the wind hitting his face so sharply he nearly does a double take. with a hiss, soonyoung tugs his beanie down around his ears, grumbling as he tightens the scarf around his neck. it’s a little scratchy, but his coat is thin and he’ll take whatever warmth he can get. usually he’d stay till the early hours of the morning, till his muscles were aching and whatever song he’d been dancing to sounded less like music and more like hell churning in his ears. but the rest of the studio is empty - even minghao had taken today and tomorrow off, and classes won’t start again till next week. soonyoung had been killing time here, but he knew he’d have to go back to his apartment eventually. 

it’s not _ lonely_ \- it’s quite cozy actually, much nicer than his last place, and has actually got decent heating so he won’t need to huddle under four blankets to feel like a human being and not an icicle. but wonwoo is visiting his parents for the holidays and won’t be back till after new years, so soonyoung has the place all to himself. 

soonyoung is an adult, more than capable of being by himself, but he doesn’t think anyone would be happy to go home to a cold, lonely apartment. heating only fixes one of those problems, after all. 

he checks the time on his phone, pursing his lips. he can catch his bus, but only if he hurries. 

shoving his hands into his pockets, he sighs, feet moving automatically down the sidewalk. he used to get lost so often - it’s a big city, and it’s _ confusing_ , and on more than one occasion he’d gotten on the wrong line, ended up somewhere far away and unfamiliar before he’d crawl back to his apartment, embarrassingly late and grouchy. wonwoo used to be worried, would call him, ask if he needed to be picked up, but soonyoung was too proud for that. eventually, wonwoo would stop, but he’d stay up, open the door for soonyoung and greet him with a jab at his inability to follow a _ map _ on his _ phone_. 

whatever. soonyoung knows the way now. he hasn’t lived in new york that long, but he’s pretty sure he’s a natural at this already.

(when soonyoung had figured it out finally, wonwoo teased him instead for taking pride in knowing how to use public transportation. _ asshole_.)

when he turns the corner he nearly bumps into someone hailing a cab, stopping only at the last second. they’re on their phone, paying him no mind, and soonyoung is just about to step to the side, keep moving, but the person turns their head, meets his eyes for just a split second and-

he nearly falls over himself turning around so fast. “joshua?”

he’s different now, but soonyoung would recognize him anywhere. his hair is black again, styled up and away from his face, professional and handsome, but his eyes are the same, dark and shiny, mouth open as he stumbles on a word. 

soonyoung expects him to put the phone down, because he’s already reaching for joshua’s arm, holding him just to make sure he’s real because _ shit_ , he hasn’t seen him in years, hasn’t even talked to him. he’s hiccuping, he’s so shocked, and his heart is racing because really, honestly, he’d never thought he’d see him ever again, and _ joshua is still on the fucking phone_.

“yeah, yeah, don’t worry i’m listening,” he mouths _ please_ , eyes pleading as he reaches out to soonyoung’s arm, squeezing it, “yeah, _ yes_ , i know.”  
soonyoung stomps his foot, impatient but amused, leaning in and mocking the desperate expression joshua had just given him, eyes comically wide and pouting. for that joshua hits his arm, but he smiles as he speaks, eye twinkling. “alright, look lauren, i’ll call you back later and- _ yes, i told you_ , i’m going home, yes- yes good ** _night_**.” 

when joshua hangs up, soonyoung lets out an exaggerated sigh. “oh my _ god, _you couldn’t-”

joshua cuts him off, pulling him in for a hug, arms wrapping tight around soonyoung as he tucks his face against his neck.

“_soonyoung. _”

his voice is so small, brimming with something that soonyoung can’t explain, so he just pulls joshua in tighter, buries his nose in his hair. it feels strange to hold him again after so long - it doesn’t feel real. the weight of him in soonyoung’s arms tells him his brain isn’t just playing tricks, that the last minute hadn’t just been his imagination, and he has to remind himself to _ breathe_. 

he remembers the memory of heart ache and feels it again, dull and weak in his chest.

** _09:49 PM, DECEMBER 30_ **

soonyoung rubs his cheek, tries (and fails) to hide the wonder in his eyes. it doesn’t feel real. the last time he’d seen joshua he was twenty one, boyish and handsome, charming and polite, even when soonyoung was watching him roll blunts in his apartment, laughing at the price all his classmates were willing to pay. 

now, watching him shrug off his coat (_shit_, it looks expensive), undoing the top few buttons of his shirt before he settles on the bar stool next to soonyoung, he’s attractive for entirely different reasons. 

(he could be _ crying _ right now - he’d spent _ years _ babbling drunkenly to jeonghan about how he was still waiting for a sexy put-together older man to whisk him off his feet and into a life of luxury. of course, joshua isn’t that much older than him, but really, the _ appeal _ of it is there. he’s filled out too, walks more comfortably and without the lankiness of his post-puberty body. 

soonyoung is, of course, wondering instead whether the joshua in front of him is really the same one he’d known before. this still feels like a dream.)

it _ is _ warm inside, so soonyoung takes off his jacket, but leaves his beanie on. the bar is crowded but it’s not like anyone’s going to _ notice_ .   
except of course, joshua raises an eyebrow, gives him a funny, crooked smile. it makes soonyoung huff, one hand reaching up to yank it off. he’s sure his hair looks funny, sticky up oddly in places, still a little bit damp from when he’d showered. there were changing rooms back at the dance studio, and he’d opted to just shower and change there instead of going home sweaty and disheveled. and thank _ god _ he had, he’d never live it down if he ran into his college boyfriend looking like _ that_. 

joshua reaches up, smoothing down soonyoung’s hair, hand lingering at the crown of his head before pulling away. “how come your hair’s wet?”

soonyoung gives him a sheepish smile, knows that his cheeks and the tips of his ears must still be a little pink. if joshua notices, he doesn’t say anything. “i- well i dance now, actually. i showered at the studio before i headed home.”

joshua’s eyes widen. “wait, you dance? i thought- shit, i thought you went into accounting. i heard you moved back to korea and got a job there.”

“well i did, actually. it was just- it was boring, you know? and it just wasn’t working, god it was _ so boring_ , josh, i don’t understand how you can sit in an office all day and just _ work there_,” joshua smiles, laughs a little as he beckons the bartender over, “yeah, so uh. i quit,” he got fired actually, but he doesn’t mention that.

“and i joined a dance studio. my parents were pissed so i moved in with a friend- i told you about my dongho-hyung, right?”

joshua nods, voice oddly flat when he speaks. “yeah, i remember. you went to school together and he was your gay awakening.”

soonyoung grins, leaning forward, whispering, “you’re not still jealous are you? you’ve never even _ met _ him.”

joshua glares, but it’s clear he’s trying to bite back a smile. soonyoung can see the beginnings of crow’s feet, but his eyes are still bright, shining when he looks at him, and soonyoung blanks, forgetting for a second what they were talking about. 

“don’t be ridiculous,” joshua pokes his forehead, pushing soonyoung back. “just wondering why you’re not making a bigger deal of rooming with your highschool crush.” 

** _10:14 PM, DECEMBER 30_ **

“wait, you’re joking right?”

joshua has the decency to look embarrassed, shoulders curling in, gripping his glass tighter in his hands. this is about as far as joshua will go in showing his discomfort, but soonyoung knows enough to back off, just a little. he reaches forward, fingers tracing circles over the back of joshua’s hand till he lets go of the glass and rests his palm over soonyoung’s, not quite holding his hand, but their fingers interlock all the same. the tension falls from his shoulders, and he shrugs, mouth quirking oddly. 

“yeah, it’s been a while since i talked to jeonghan, actually. we stopped talking, i think- yeah it wasn’t that long after graduation. two years or so, i can’t really remember.”

_ liar_. his eyes flit around, unblinking. soonyoung can’t imagine he’d forget something like that.

he really wasn’t joking when soonyoung had brought it up. it’s strange to think of joshua and jeonghan as _ not friends_ . hell, soonyoung had met jeonghan first, when the man (then; a boy, barely older than him but infinitely cooler, a _ sophomore_) had greeted him, brought him into his circle and introduced him to all his friends. soonyoung was barely eighteen and just found out that every essay he’d written in highschool till then had meant _ nothing_ when it came to the rapid fire english that his peers were speaking. he still thinks it’s a miracle he’d even gotten into that school, all the way in los angeles, so far from home. 

if it weren’t for jeonghan, soonyoung doesn’t think he’d have lasted a week before begging his advisor to transfer out. if it weren’t for jeonghan, soonyoung would never have met joshua in the first place. 

he’d been jealous at first, but it was clear later that there was nothing like that between them. still - jeonghan and joshua were inseparable, joined at the hip, married in another life - their friendship was special, there was something there that soonyoung would never experience. and to think that they’d broken up, were no longer even in contact - it feels like a wound, a stab to the heart. love can’t be real.

even _ soonyoung _ still talks to jeonghan. 

they’re not as close as they used to be; time and distance does that; and there had been a brief period when they hadn’t talked at all, but when soonyoung moved to new york a year and a half ago, the first person he’d told was jeonghan. he was the only friend that he knew lived in the city, and when he’d first come, it was jeonghan that showed him around, had helped him adjust, found him a roommate.

they still meet, though not as often as either of them would like. he supposes that’s just part of being adults with their own schedules, but it doesn’t hurt like it would have when they were younger. it had felt just like their university days, like they’d never been apart at all. 

jeonghan was like that: no matter how much times passes, he could make it feel like nothing had changed, like they were still young and kind and soft. 

jeonghan had never brought up joshua, but soonyoung always thought that that was because he didn’t want to upset him - the break up had been painful (more than just painful - it felt like cutting off a limb, like watching his world crumble and just _ letting it_. that had been the worst part: thinking they couldn’t do anything at all). by the time soonyoung moved to new york he’d already made his peace with the fact that he’d never see joshua again, and he certainly didn’t have anything new to say about him. so he never questioned it.

now though, he wonders if jeonghan never brought him up for entirely different reasons. 

he shuffles a little closer, his arm pressing against joshua’s. the bar is loud behind them, but next to him, it feels like all the chatter fades away. his voice is soft, just quiet enough to carry to joshua only. “what happened between you guys?”

joshua looks down, eyes staring into his reflection at the bottom of his glass. “we fought, sort of. it’s a long story.” 

_ i don’t want to talk about it. _

soonyoung squeezes his hand, nodding. he won’t press, even if his heart aches to fix this. it just doesn’t feel right to know they’re no longer friends. and knowing him, the way he’s talking about it: it’s most likely joshua’s fault. soonyoung can read it in the slope of his shoulders, how he refuses to look him in the eyes: joshua is ashamed. soonyoung wonders what could have possibly happened to make joshua - always kind, always the mediator - like this, but he won’t ask. not yet at least. it’s been a long, long time since they’ve talked, and there’s so much more soonyoung wants to know. he doesn’t want to upset joshua - wants to preserve the happiness he’d felt when he’d seen him, the moment of pure elation at seeing his face again. 

it’s been seven years. he doesn’t want to let this slip by.

“okay. okay.”

_ we don’t have to talk about it. _

he peers down, looks at joshua’s empty glass. “lemme’ get you another one - excuse me!”

** _10:32 PM, DECEMBER 30_ **

“it’s boring soonyoung. i transferred here just because i could, honestly. i always wanted to live in new york.”

and that’s true, soonyoung remembers. they used to stay up at night, kissing the corners of each other’s mouths, talking about the future. joshua had always been ambitious - soonyoung hadn’t expected it at first, seen only the mild-mannered exterior, his _ good boy _ front. but joshua was greedy, wanting in the kind of way that soonyoung couldn’t help but admire. he always talked about the kind of life that together they’d only dreamed of: sports cars and five star restaurants, seven figure salaries and apartments in the city, chauffeur service at the snap of their fingers.

maybe he’d been jealous because joshua always had a _ plan._ always knew what he was doing. soonyoung had felt ordinary in comparison, unsure of his own desires, stuck in a major he didn’t like for a career he didn’t want. maybe if he’d pursued his dreams earlier he would have been more confident in university, less troubled. 

“yeah, i know,” he muses, setting his glass down. “it all worked out for you, didn’t it?”

the words should sound bitter, but soonyoung couldn’t help but be glad: joshua worked to get where he is, and if he’s happy then that’s all that matters. it’d be worse, maybe, if he wasn’t and they’d broken up for nothing. it’s not like things were that good on soonyoung’s side either, but, well-

“i’m happy for you, i really am.”

joshua smiles, small and soft, and though he doesn’t voice his gratitude soonyoung can see it in his eyes, that and a little something more (too much, _too much_ ). he’s always been _ intense_, overwhelming with even the smallest gestures, even when his affections are muted and barely there: soonyoung knows because he’d been so attuned to him, learned how to detect shifts in joshua’s mood from body language alone, the tenderness of his love shown only in his actions. he’d always been the opposite: heart on his sleeve, his every emotion radiating around him, loud and visible from a hundred meters away. jeonghan had called him transparent, an open book. joshua had laughed and teased him, had kissed him and soonyoung had wondered how his heart could feel any more exposed than it already was.

even now, with so much time gone by, he’s still watching joshua, always tuned to his frequency.

soonyoung looks away. 

“and you? how come you moved here?” joshua asks, voice quiet. had soonyoung been silent for too long?

he shrugs. “well the studio i used to work with would post videos online of our dance routines and one of mine went viral. we used to go to these dance competitions and some of them were _ big _ you know, like international, and i got a couple offers actually. i liked my old studio but,” he laughs a little, looking back up to joshua, 

“i’ve always wanted to move to new york.”

joshua pokes him sharply in the side and soonyoung yelps, jumping back so suddenly he tips off his seat and stumbles, catching himself on the bar before he falls. joshua is trying to frown but his eyes are shining, and soonyoung coos, leaning in as he clutches his stomach, batting his lashes. “what? you know it’s true.” 

and it is, but joshua teases him anyway. “you sure you’re not stalking me?”

soonyoung returns to his seat, glancing around them before he sticks his tongue out at joshua. “you? don’t flatter yourself.”

it’s childish, he knows, but with joshua he feels like it’s okay to be a little silly. soonyoung isn’t in university anymore, no longer the thrill-seeking escapist he had been, but he’s still soft, likes being like this. it feels _ easy _ with joshua - they had been friends first, and being with joshua was always _ fun_, always good. it was always so easy to be himself around him.

(minghao called him a brat for this: that soonyoung is always bright-eyed, easily fascinated, hopelessly sweet. seokmin said that soonyoung is young at heart, just like he is, and for that soonyoung had laughed, remarked that this was why he liked minghao’s boyfriend much more than he liked minghao.

minghao had put him in a chokehold for that, but it was worth it.)

joshua opens his mouth to say something, but then his eyes widen as if he were remembering something and he’s stuck for a second, and soonyoung tries not to laugh. 

“hey, hey do you still talk to jihoon?”

soonyoung purses his lips, thinks for a moment, before he shrugs. “not as much as i’d like, but you know how he is.”

even back in university, jihoon had been _ awful _ at communicating - not just his feelings, but there would be days at a time where soonyoung wouldn’t see him, just because jihoon had left too much work to the last minute and was tearing his hair out in some corner of the library till it was all done and he could crawl back to their shared dorm room for sustenance. they were polar opposites, and somehow despite that, they’d gotten along well. soonyoung misses him, he does, but sometimes jihoon calls him first and that’s more than enough to tell that jihoon misses him too. 

(besides - jihoon couldn’t push him away even if he tried. soonyoung is loyal to a fault, and he holds onto friendships for life, no matter how much time passes or how far apart they are. 

joshua is simply an anomaly.)

“you know he had a _ stalker_, right?”

soonyoung, who had been taking a sip of his drink, promptly chokes, doubling over as he tries not to hack up a lung. “_what?”   
_his voice is strained with the effort to not die, but joshua simply pats his back, ignores his own part in causing this, before searching something up on his phone. 

“here, look.” 

soonyoung’s mouth wobbles and he leans in, blinks as his eyes focus on the phone screen. 

_ RABID FAN BREAKS INTO WOOZI’S BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - WILL WE BE SEEING ALBUM LEAK SOON? _

it’s from a gossip magazine, sure, but soonyoung’s heart races a little, the panic only dissipating when he scrolls down and sees a link to an updated article, it’s headline claiming that the stalker was arrested and promising all the _ hot details_. 

he breathes a sigh of relief, before glancing up to joshua. “so he got caught?”

“huh? oh, yeah wait i think i’m showing you the wrong article.”

joshua takes his phone back, poking at the screen, brows furrowing. soonyoung stifles a laugh - he doesn’t even feel like laughing that much, more concerned about jihoon and why he hadn’t told him that he had a god damn _ stalker_ , but he wants to talk to jihoon on his own, not in front of joshua, so he’ll call him later, he thinks. for now, he focuses on the fact that joshua uses his phone in the exact same way that his technology-illiterate retired mother does, and tries not to think about why he finds that so awfully cute. 

** _10:58 PM, DECEMBER 30_ **

joshua had always said he was never keen on kids - soonyoung always was, still is, but when they were young, in college, it never seemed like it mattered. besides, it’s not like joshua _ hated_kids - he just said he didn’t want any of his own and was about as indifferent to them as one could possibly be. 

so when joshua coos, nearly _ melts_ in his seat when soonyoung shows him a picture of his nieces, he can’t help but feel a little smug. 

“soonyoung they’re so _ cute_ , oh my god, look at them they’re _ matching_.” his voice goes so soft, and soonyoung grins, looking back to his phone. he’s seen this photo a thousand times: minji and soyeon in matching pink shirts, green shorts, obnoxiously large red heart sunglasses that dwarf their little faces. minji is grinning at the camera, posing with a peace sign, which soyeon matches, even though it’s clear she’s sulking about having to wear the same outfit as her little sister. he can hear her voice in his head, whining about how she’s too old to be playing matchy-matchy with her sister, and soonyoung has to cup his own face, marveling at how cute they are. 

“they are, aren’t they? leeyoung and jonghyun brought them on holiday to new york over the summer and they’re so much cuter in real life, i swear. wait hold on, i’ve got this picture of them with pretzels bigger than their heads-”

** _11:01 PM, DECEMBER 30_ **

soonyoung laughs, feeling warm all over. he’s feeling tingly all the way down to his toes, and it makes him want to squirm, wiggle in place, but he forces himself to sit still, focus instead on talking. he pushes his now empty glass away, not bothering to call the bartender for another round - he needs to pace himself. 

“yeah, so when leeyoung told her she was adopting again ma was _ pissed _ because leeyoung’s _ biological clock _ is ticking or whatever,” soonyoung says the words in the most mocking tone he can. “she’s only thirty five, first of all, so i don’t know where she’s getting that. but i think she’s coming around because leeyoung brought the kids to spend chuseok with her, so.”

joshua nods, even if he furrows his brows a little, just a bit confused. “were they not already spending chuseok with their grandparents?”

joshua doesn’t know. of course, he doesn’t know because he wasn’t _there_, because it had happened after they’d broken up and joshua had moved away, after they’d intentionally stopped talking to each other. 

soonyoung shrinks a little, pursing his lips as he tries to think of how to word it. joshua waits patiently beside him. soonyoung sighs, taking a deep breath. it feels like stepping over the threshold, again and again. one by one joshua opens every door in his heart, peeking inside without resistance. soonyoung gave him the keys a long time ago.

“when i moved in with dongho-hyung it wasn’t just because i got fired,” he opens his mouth, but the words don’t come out, and he’s stuck, staring at his glass for a moment. joshua takes his hand, squeezes it in his own, fingers interlacing. it makes his heart race, more than it should, but it’s somehow comforting, still.   
“when i got fired i got in this huge fight with them - like, screaming and throwing things kind of fight, and i was just so _ tired _ of always doing what they wanted and trying to be what they wanted, and i just… i don’t know. i was shouting and i just started telling them about - about me being gay, about you, about how i never liked any of the girls they tried to set me up with because they just-”  
soonyoung sighs. joshua rubs his thumb over the back of his palm, and the touch is nice, anchoring him to the present. 

“i wish i hadn’t come out to them like that but. it just happened that way. so they kicked me out and that’s why i moved in with dongho-hyung. and i figured since i didn’t have anything else to lose, i figured i might as well go back to dancing.”

back in highschool he used to dance _ a lot _ \- he’d never had the chance to join a proper dance school; his parents wouldn’t allow it, had pressured him to focus on his studies. he never had the money to pay for it himself, but he and his friends would skip tutoring all the time, would sneak out late to practice together. it was always nice, always fun, even though his parents had never approved. it was _ girly_, not suited for their only son, who was supposed to bring in money and take care of them when they were older. 

joshua places his hand over his, thumb rubbing circles into the back of his palm. 

“so uh - well leeyoung always knew, and when my parents kicked me out, she said she’d stop visiting them and wouldn’t let them see the kids either. and this summer, my mom called and we- we talked. i don’t know. i don’t know if it’s easier for them because i’ve been single for a while and they haven’t actually seen me with a boyfriend, but i think. i think they’re coming around. i told leeyoung that she should visit them, they were going to be in korea anyway to visit jonghyun’s parents, and minji hadn’t see her grandparents yet, and soyeon still doesn’t know why they stopped visiting for so long so- it didn’t feel fair to- to deny them of that, just for me.” 

soonyoung slumps, shoulders sinking. it feels good to get all of that off his chest, relieving even. 

the year after his parents had kicked him out was _ hard _ \- it had felt impossible, really, and he’s glad he didn’t have to go through it alone. it was why he’d eventually gotten back in touch with jeonghan, actually - he missed him, he wanted to talk to his friend, one who knew how painful it was. he’d felt lost back then - even with the burden of his parents lifted, he wasn’t sure of a lot of things. he’d spent so long trying to be what they wanted that he wasn’t sure of who he was. 

he’s not in that place anymore, but it still hurts sometimes, and it’s still weird talking about it. he’s comfortable where he is, but the memory of that pain still lingers. he can’t forget that.

joshua wraps an arm around him, tugging him close, and soonyoung rests his head on his shoulder, leaning into him. joshua doesn’t say anything, but he rests his hand on top of soonyoung’s, turning his face to kiss the top of soonyoung’s head. 

the tension bleeds from his shoulders second by second. soonyoung breathes a little easier. 

soonyoung had been expecting a lot more, honestly. they’d broken up because joshua was going to move, yes, but also because soonyoung had _ refused _ to come out to his parents. he was scared. he wasn’t ready to be on his own yet, and he _ knew _ they weren’t going to accept him. they’d fought about it, one of their few fights actually, but by the time joshua was graduating and they were running out of time together, it was just becoming too much. soonyoung hated it, hated fighting because he wanted to spend those last few months together just making as many memories as they could. 

(they could have made more if soonyoung had come out, the little voice in the back of his head whispers. soonyoung still had another year of university, could have maybe figured something out so that they could be together, but he couldn’t justify that to his parents, not when they wanted him to move back to korea immediately after he graduated.

there’s always that big _ if_. 

soonyoung squashes those thoughts as quick as they come. things could have been different, but he’s made his peace with the way they are. he’s got a life of his own now, he’s happy now. he got here himself, and he wouldn’t change anything about it.)

“i’m really proud of you, soonyoung.” his voice is soft, tender. it reminds soonyoung of the way joshua would speak to him in the mornings, after they’d just woken up together. 

“yeah?”

“yeah. i remember you always used to be scared that you wouldn’t go anywhere in life without them, but look at you now. you’ve done really well for yourself. and you’re talking to your parents - you told me they’d disown you if you ever came out.”   
the last part joshua says with a little bit of a laugh, and soonyoung can’t help but smile as well.

“i really thought they would, okay?”

“i know, i know. but i’m proud of you, i really am.” 

they’re quiet for a moment, and soonyoung feels warm, from the tips of his fingers all the way down to his toes, right in the spaces between his ribs.

across the bar, a group cheers, and when soonyoung looks, he can see them drunkenly thanking a server for bringing a hefty tray of drinks to their table.   
he and joshua pull apart, but he’s still smiling. he can’t help it. 

** _11:53 PM, DECEMBER 30_ **

soonyoung leans his cheek against his fist, tilting his head and staring at joshua lazily. “so? how come you’re not spending your birthday with your friends?”

“i told them i’d be out of the city for work,” he says, rolling his eyes and raising his glass to take a sip. 

(_whiskey _ \- joshua is not a whiskey kind of guy, so soonyoung is _ sure _ he’s just drinking it for show. it fits the rest of the aesthetic he’s got going - masculine, put together, really _ really _ hot - but soonyoung knows him too well. he’s keeping a silent tally of how many drinks joshua has had so far - it’s been a long time, but joshua is most likely still a lightweight. watching him get drunk was rare but _ fun _ \- he wonders if there’ll be a repeat tonight.)

soonyoung rolls his eyes in return, bumping against him as he sits up straight. “you can’t still hate your birthday, _ come on_.” 

“i hate _ celebrating _it, soonyoung. i can’t hate a day. besides, now you’re just reminding me that i’m getting older.” 

“_oh?” _ he leans in, resting his head on joshua’s shoulder and looking up at him with a sly grin, batting his lashes excessively. “don’t you know i like older men?” 

“_six months, _ soonyoung,” there’s a touch of amusement to his voice, the beginnings of a laugh. it only makes soonyoung grin wider. “raise your standards.”   
he tugs soonyoung off of him by the back of his head, hand curling into the strands of his hair at the crown. it’s an innocent enough act, but it reminds him of all the other times joshua had run a hand through his hair: pressed together on joshua’s bed, waking up slowly while the sun shone on them through the curtains, golden and warm; resting his head on joshua’s thigh, dozing off while the other worked, one hand reaching down idly to curl his fingers in soonyoung’s hair, pulling away only to turn a page or pick up a pen; in the dark, joshua behind him, one hand smoothing up soonyoung’s spine and to the back of his head, pulling his hair till it _ hurt_.

if joshua notices the shudder that runs through soonyoung, he says nothing. 

“we need to do something for your birthday,” joshua narrows his eyes, soonyoung rolls his, “_no_, i don’t mean birthday shots - you’re too old for that.” 

“_hey_-” 

soonyoung reaches forward, pinches joshua’s waist through his shirt, earning a yelp that makes him grin. 

(both his and joshua’s birthdays were always during their university holidays, so most of the birthdays they’d celebrated were those of their friends, and soonyoung had _ always _ been the first to suggest birthday shots, five of them, just to get his friend wasted as fast as possible. joshua would laugh and agree, always teasing, always next to soonyoung, phone out and ready to record anything and everything embarrassing.)

joshua huffs, swatting soonyoung’s hand away. “it’s nearly midnight, soonyoung. you don’t even know what you want to do.”

“i do not,” he says back with a grin, far too smug to admit he has no ideas. joshua pinches his cheek, and soonyoung pretends to bite his finger, teeth snapping shut on air just as joshua pulls away. “i am kind of hungry though. let’s go get some real food, i’m tired of bar snacks.” 

joshua deadpans. “you mean mcdonalds, don’t you?”

soonyoung doesn’t reply, just grins and stands up to put on his jacket. “c’mon. it’ll be my treat.” 

** _12:15 AM, DECEMBER 31_ **

“you know, i take that way home everyday. how come i’ve never seen you around here before?”

soonyoung has only been living in the city for the last year and a half, but joshua has been here five years - they should have run into each other by now, one way or the other.   
joshua shrugs, walks a little closer till their shoulders are brushing against each other. it’s frosty, and soonyoung can feel his cheeks turning pink in the breeze. 

“i’m not usually on this side of the city. i was here for a meeting before i ran into you.” 

he grins, a tiny little laugh bubbling from his throat. he doesn’t miss the way joshua turns his head sharply, eyes wide before they turn soft, fond. 

“right, right. don’t know why you’d walk farther than wall street,” soonyoung tugs joshua’s hand, pulls him off the sidewalk and inside to the fluorescent refuge of a mcdonalds.   
“come on. i’m starving.” 

joshua stands beside soonyoung as he orders, a hand resting at his waist, loose but around him all the same, keeping him close. it reminds soonyoung of all the times they’d gone out together like this in the middle of the night, drunk or high or just _ hungry_, up late and never in the mood to do any cooking. it’s been a long, long time since they dated, but joshua’s arm around him feels natural, and soonyoung doesn’t question it. he goes a little quiet though, lungs tight. 

he raises an eyebrow though, when he sees how much joshua has ordered. the pile of food is nearly twice as large as soonyoung’s, and he’s already thinking about how to sneak some of it. “what, did they not feed you at your meeting?” 

joshua shrugs. “yeah, but it was like, _ fancy _ food. _ l’antagoniste _ \- you know it?”  
soonyoung nods, but really, he’s never been there. he _ has _ seen it on jeonghan’s instagram though - rich bastard.   
“yeah, it kinda ruins your appetite when you can’t pronounce half the menu. just wasn’t in the mood for it.” 

“would have thought that by now you’d have learned a _ little _ french. i’m sure it’s useful for all your business meeting _ banker _ things.” 

joshua gives him a smile, the kind where soonyoung can _ tell _ he’s biting the inside of his cheek to hide how smug he really is. 

he narrows his eyes. “what?”

joshua turns his head, making sure there’s no one near them before he yanks soonyoung by the shoulder, leaning in over the table to whisper. “i don’t work at a bank, soonyoung.”

“_what_?” 

he nods, grinning as he speaks. “yeah, i quit. that’s why i moved to new york. i got a book deal.” 

“oh _ shit_,” soonyoung’s eyes go wide. 

to say it’s shocking is an understatement - joshua had interned at that bank for three summers, was guaranteed a job there after he graduated - hell it was half the reason they broke up. joshua would be off to chicago, busy climbing a corporate ladder while soonyoung had another year of university before he’d be forced back to korea, stuck in a boring office job with a steady income, just like his parents had wanted. the distance was already too much: they loved each other _ so much_, but neither of them could handle that. not being able to touch each other, not being able to see each other, barely being able to talk because of the time difference, and all of that with no foreseeable end in sight. 

joshua lets go of him, sitting back in his seat and digging in. soonyoung sits there, still leaning over the table, dumbfounded. 

“you’re catching flies soonyoung.” 

he sits back in his seat, jeans squeaking against the hard plastic, and shuts his mouth. 

“you write now.” it’s meant to be a question, really.

joshua gives him an affirmative hum. “i do.”

“how’d that happen?”

he stares at his food, before mechanically stuffing a french fry in his mouth. he’s surprised, but still hungry. his stomach wants what it wants. 

“i was writing for a while and i was sending some of my work to a publisher, and when i got a deal, i quit my job. i didn’t see the point in staying there when i didn’t need to. i always knew it was going to be like, _ stuffy _ and formal, and that it’d get better when i got promoted, but _ god_, it was awful soonyoung. i couldn’t stand it. it was just-” he pauses, struggles to find the word, before he gives up and sighs. “i don’t know. i just didn’t like it. i’m glad i never stopped writing, otherwise i’d still be there.”

back when they were in university, joshua had studied business administration, humble bragged about how he was going to into investment banking and make big money and live the high life.

he used to write back then too - small things, short stories that he’d work on when he didn’t feel like doing any of his actual work. soonyoung had even read some of his pieces, and they were _ good_. but joshua had told him over and over again that it was just a hobby, that he never wanted to pursue it seriously because he wasn’t sure he’d ever make money out of it, and soonyoung had eventually believed him. 

“so you just… you just let me think you were still a banker for the last two hours. you just let me talk out of my ass this whole time.” 

joshua chokes on a bite, coughing before he reaches for his soda, taking a long sip to clear his throat. “i told you _ eventually_ ,” he says, rubbing his throat. soonyoung hums, intent to just watch. no pity from him, none at all.   
“i didn’t want to say anything at the bar, it was so crowded. what if someone had heard us?” 

“so _ what_ , josh? don’t tell me you’re writing granny erotica? is it werewolf sex? i always knew you were team jacob but i didn’t think you’d go _ this _ far.” 

he stifles a laugh, covering his mouth with the back of his hand as he shakes his head. “oh my _ god_ , soonyoung please. the reason i couldn’t is because i write with an alias, my name isn’t actually on the books.”   
joshua wipes his hands on a napkin before he takes out his phone, searching something up before he turns it to soonyoung. “here, look.”

it’s some young adult series, about a boy with magical powers and soonyoung hasn’t read it, but he’s seen the cover before. he furrows his brows at the author’s name, because he _ recognizes _it. he hasn’t read these books, but he knows they’re really popular, already translated into a dozen languages. 

“my niece reads this.” 

joshua shrugs, but after a moment he turns his head, brows furrowing in confusion. “soyeon is like, twelve, right? should she be reading that?” 

his sister tells him she’s grown to be quite the menace, far too clever for her own good, so it doesn’t surprise soonyoung that she’s reading books ahead of the rest of her age group. soonyoung just thinks it’s hilarious, and though she pretends she’s too cool to talk to her uncle on the phone, he’s still rather fond of her. 

“she’s _ twelve_ , joshua, not two. it’s perfectly okay for her to read it. unless,” his voice dips low, and he leans in, grinning, “there _ is _ werewolf porn in it. i always knew you were a pervert.”

joshua throws a french fry at his face, and soonyoung barely shuts his eyelid in time to avoid it hitting his eye. “what is it with you and erotica? are you not getting enough and you’re resorting to porn for middle aged women?”

he shrugs, wiggling in his seat. “dunno. just like teasing you. you’re cute when you’re flustered. so the meeting, was that about your books too?”

joshua blanks at the compliment, the tips of his ears turning pink before he clears his throat, sits a little straighter. soonyoung grins. 

“yeah. the last book is hitting shelves next month, and i’m kind of glad. i’m tired of writing about the same characters. i was meeting with my agent because i’ve got an idea for a new book. just a novel, i don’t want another series.” 

soonyoung nods, though he still feels a little dumbstruck by the whole thing. he’d have never thought of _ this _ outcome for joshua, even if he is happy for him. they’ve both come so far from the last time they saw each other: both quit their office jobs to pursue their passions; both doing well, better than they’d ever anticipated; and both of them now, in new york, finally at a place in their lives where they’re comfortable. 

it’s a strange feeling, and soonyoung doesn’t know how to describe it. it’s like electricity running all the down to the tips of his fingers and toes, warm under his skin, and he can hardly keep still. 

“i’m glad. i’m happy for you, that you’re an author now. though i guess now i’m obligated to read your werewolf porn.” 

the smile drops from joshua’s face and he reaches forward, scrambling to pinch soonyoung’s face. “_why _ are you so obsessed with werewolves, come ** _on!_ **” 

soonyoung laughs, leaning back to avoid joshua’s hands. “team jacob forever,” he stage whispers, wiggling his eyebrows. 

** _12:27 AM, DECEMBER 31_ **

“that’s not- that’s not even funny, _ oh my god _-” joshua is tearing up, gasping for breath as he grabs soonyoung’s forearms, laughing so hard he’s wheezing. soonyoung laughs too, but his attention instead is on joshua, the seal-like, disaster sound of his laughter. he hasn’t heard it in so long, and he hadn’t realized he’d missed it till now.

he’d spent so long away from him to get over him, dated other people, loved them too, finally made something of himself. he’s far more than the lanky, temperamental twenty one year old he was when they broke up. it had been mutual, they’d both understood that they’d have to, even if it was too hard to say out loud. hell, soonyoung could barely keep it together at joshua’s graduation, certainly didn’t go with him to the airport when he was finally moving away. he couldn’t handle that - they’d agreed, but it was too much. they’d been so in love - he still doesn’t know how he’d gotten through his senior year, heartbroken and hopeless. it had taken so, _ so _long to get over him. 

soonyoung watches, grinning. his heart feels so full, and even if he doesn’t understand, he doesn’t question it. just this moment - just focusing on _ this _ moment is okay. 

** _12:41 AM, DECEMBER 31_ **

they’re huddled together, standing under an awning as joshua tugs off his glove, tapping away at his phone. soonyoung leans in, peering over his shoulder. even this late, it’ll take more than an hour and a half for joshua to get back home, and he swears under his breath, scowling at his phone. 

soonyoung laughs and his breath fogs up in front of him. no matter how far he shoves his hands into his pockets, the tips of his fingers are freezing, like he can _ feel _ them turning blue. 

“my place isn’t too far from here, if you don’t mind the walk.” 

joshua turns to him, raising a brow. “a little early to bring me back home, don’t you think? none of this counts as wining and dining.” 

soonyoung shoves him by the shoulder, cheeks flushing at the grin joshua gives him. “i didn’t mean it like that. it’s late and you can crash at my place, come on.”

he tugs joshua by his elbow till they fall into pace, shoes clicking against the sidewalk. it’s only a few blocks to his apartment building, but soonyoung links his arm with joshua’s, one hand reaching up to fix his scarf around his nose. 

the sidewalk is icy beneath his shoes, and he nearly slips more than once, joshua always catching him at the last moment. each time soonyoung giggles, and joshua teases him, tells him he’s still drunk. he’s not, but he doesn’t do more than huff, lean into joshua a little hard till they’re both swerving on the sidewalk, righted only after joshua puts his hand on soonyoung’s and pats it, his laugh dying down to a hum.

soonyoung feels giddy, stupidly happy for no reason at all. his heart is bursting at the seams. 

** _01:09 AM, DECEMBER 31_ **

soonyoung perches himself on top of the counter, picking up his cup to warm his hands. joshua runs a hand through his hair and soonyoung makes a sound of disapproval at the bottom of his throat, reaching forward to tug joshua’s hand down. “don’t, you’re messing up your hair.”  
joshua shrugs, gives him a small smile before he turns to sit beside soonyoung, shuffling close till their thighs are pressing together. “it’s not like i’m going out again. it doesn’t matter.”

soonyoung pouts, taking a sip from his hot chocolate as he sulks. “it looked nice,” he murmurs, sounding just a tad put out. 

joshua puts an arm around his shoulder, pulling him close, and soonyoung _ melts_ , tucking his head against joshua’s neck, sighing. joshua rubs circles into his bicep with his thumb, and soonyoung closes his eyes, wonders how someone can miss a feeling so much without ever realizing it. when they’d first met they’d started as friends but it hadn’t taken very long for them to start dating. it had felt so natural, inevitable even. loving joshua had happened so easily, like he was just _ meant _ to. he didn’t believe in fate or destiny, but back then, it had been easy to pretend they had forever. and then they didn’t, and soonyoung had been forced to make peace with that fact.

this still feels surreal. too good to be true.

The digital clock on his microwave blinks. _ 01:10_.

“i like your cologne,” he says bluntly, and joshua laughs. 

** _01:22 AM, DECEMBER 31_ **

“here, i got some clothes for- oh.”

joshua turns his head from where he stands in front of the sink. his sleeves are rolled up to his elbows, and he sets one of the mugs aside on the drying rack, shiny and clean. soonyoung’s expression softens. “you didn’t have to.” 

joshua shrugs, drying his hands on a towel. “it’s nothing. don’t worry about it.” 

but soonyoung stands there, blinking. it reminds him of weekends at joshua’s apartment, jeonghan still asleep while the two of them woke up to eat. the blinds in their kitchen were broken and neither joshua nor jeonghan had ever bothered to get them fixed, so they were always shut. soonyoung remembers so many mornings where joshua had pressed him against the counter, kissed him lazily, in the morning shadow because they’d neglected to turn the lights on.

joshua rubs the back of his neck, looking away. “why are you staring at me like that?” 

soonyoung swallows down the hesitation, gives him a small smile. maybe he is still a little drunk. he’s feeling bold. “i’m wondering if i should kiss you.”

_ oh_ , the blush that crawls across joshua’s cheekbones, even when he tries to act cool. soonyoung’s heart swells.  
“then ask me for a kiss.” eyes trained on him, intense, waiting, even when he’s holding his breath. soonyoung steps forward, setting the clothes aside so he can put his hands on either side of joshua, boxing him in against the counter. 

he swallows, looks between joshua’s mouth and his eyes, wetting his lips. the air feels heavy suddenly, and soonyoung doesn’t mean to whisper but he does, hesitant. “can i?”

_ should i? is this going to mean anything? is this going to change anything? _

joshua cradles his cheek. “of course you can. it’s just a kiss.” 

he sounds more like he’s trying to convince himself, but soonyoung lets out his breath, closing the distance between them. it’s slow, languid as he presses his mouth to joshua, lips sliding together. it’s _ too much _ at the same time, and soonyoung clenches his fists around the edge of the counter, trying to keep himself still. 

joshua takes his hand and places it around his waist, hand smoothing over his forearm, and soonyoung tilts his head, presses deeper into the kiss. 

** _01:36 AM, DECEMBER 31_ **

soonyoung sighs, smoothing his hands over joshua’s thighs, up his torso, rolling his nipples under his thumbs. joshua grinds down on his hips, and with nothing but the thin fabric of their boxers between them, the friction is too much and not enough, and soonyoung hisses, rolling his hips up to meet him, cock brushing against his. there’s an edge of desperation to his movements, but he dare not press, wants to savor every moment of it. the lights are off but he’d forgotten to draw the curtains, and the city lights come through, white and pink and yellow and blue, painting joshua’s skin a dozen colors. soonyoung looks up at him, hands smoothing over his shoulders and down his arms, tugging joshua till he leans down and kisses him, slow and hot. 

joshua moans against his mouth, hands cupping soonyoung’s face before he pulls away, leaning down to whisper by his ear. “‘wanna ride you.”

the breath catches his throat, and he can’t help but grind his hips upward, slow and trembling with how he’s trying to restrain himself. he digs his nails into joshua's back, flesh warm under his palms. “you?” he laughs a little, but its short, tense. “what happened to never bottoming?”   
the closest joshua had ever gotten to bottoming, submissive or otherwise, was when he’d let soonyoung rim him, but even that was rare. he’d never minded that much. he was always taken care of, carefully and thoroughly. 

“don’t care. just wanna’ feel good.” joshua hums, nips at soonyoung’s ear. “and you? you don’t mind, do you?”

soonyoung grins, tugging down joshua’s boxers. “don’t care. just wanna’ make you feel good.” 

joshua laughs, pecks soonyoung’s lips before he sits up, getting up so he can tug his boxers down the rest of the way, dropping them off the edge of the bed. “where do you keep your lube?”  
“bedside table, first drawer - yeah, there.” 

soonyoung lifts his hips, shimmying down his boxers and tossing them to the side before reaching for a pillow and propping it up behind him. joshua drops the lube and a condom beside them and crawls back onto his lap, lowering himself slowly so that he can press their cocks together, groaning as he wraps his hand around them, stroking them once, twice before he lets go, leaning down to kiss him again.

soonyoung keens, reaching down to squeeze joshua’s ass, fingers kneading his cheeks. pressed so close together he can barely feel anything but his heat, skin against skin, burning where they touch. 

joshua pecks his lips one more time before he sits up, reaching for the lube and slicking his fingers before reaching back. soonyoung can’t see joshua’s hand but he watches his face closely, breath catching in his throat as joshua sighs, eyes falling shut. it’s quiet save for their breaths, and soonyoung doesn’t dare break the silence, too entranced by the sight of joshua rocking his hips slowly, riding his own fingers. his thighs are tense on either side of soonyoung’s hips, twitching slightly, and he can see the pre-come beading at the tip of joshua’s cock, shining in the pale light. 

he drinks in the sight of him, smoothing a hand over his stomach, his chest, rolling a nipple under his thumb. the moan it draws from joshua makes his own cock twitch with need, hard and flushed against his stomach. 

“joshua, _ please_.” he doesn’t mean to sound so desperate, but even when he whispers, the need is there, heavy on his tongue. 

“yeah? you’ve waited so long to see me like this, haven’t you? you’ll wait till i say so.” his voice is breathless, caught between a laugh and a moan, and his hips jerk up, fingers no doubt rubbing his prostate, pumping in with a slick noise that sends a shiver down soonyoung’s spine. 

“i need it, need _ you_ , c’mon on. don’t make me wait, _ please_.” 

joshua pulls his fingers out, shuddering before reaches down, tosses the condom towards soonyoung’s chest. “my hands are slippery, open it.” 

it’s a little tactless, but soonyoung just huffs, tears open the packet and rolls the condom down his dick. immediately, joshua replaces his hand with his own, slicking up his cock with the excess lube on his fingers, before he shuffles forward, holding it in place as he raises his hips. the head of his dick catches on his rim and soonyoung sucks in a breath, hands going to joshua’s waist, holding him as he slides down, groaning at the feeling. 

his brain short circuits, current running down his spine and heating him up under his skin, except soonyoung can’t turn it off, just feels the heat in every inch of his body, heady and overwhelming. he reaches up, cradles joshua’s face in his hand, whimpering when joshua tips his head, nuzzles his cheek against soonyoung’s palm before he bottoms out, hips grinding down on soonyoung. it draws out the prettiest moans from them both, and joshua leans down, kisses soonyoung open mouthed and messy, tongue pressing against his. he circles his hips, moaning low into his mouth as soonyoung squeezes his hips, his waist, his ass, hands digging into the flesh, unable to take his hands off him. 

joshua pulls away, plants a tiny kiss by the corner of soonyoung’s mouth, and then another, before he sits up properly, dragging his hand down the center of soonyoung’s chest before settling on his abdomen. “gonna’ take care of you,” he murmurs, raising his hips slowly; short, shallow movements that send shocks up soonyoung’s spine, wind the coil in his gut tighter. “gonna' make you feel good.”

he doesn’t know what to say, struggling to find the words, and he gives up entirely when joshua grips his shoulders and fucks him proper, raising his hips higher and higher with each thrust. 

just as the pace quickens, joshua slows down again, sliding down to the base of his cock and grinding there, more for his own pleasure rather than soonyoung’s. he places his hands on the headboard behind soonyoung, uses it to anchor himself while he circles his hips, and soonyoung groans low in his throat, holding joshua’s waist as he rolls his hips up to meet his. 

he doesn’t know how much longer he’s going to last, watching him like this. usually (_before_) joshua would have been much more aggressive, would have whispered dirty things into soonyoung’s ear till his whole body was burning with shame and want, overwhelmed with the feeling of being fucked, split open. but now joshua takes his time with him, dragging out every moan from soonyoung that he can, indulging him with kisses to his mouth, his cheeks, his neck. it’s overwhelming, watching joshua’s tanned skin shine with sweat, and when he sits up, arches his back and _keens_, soonyoung knows the head of his cock is pressing against that sweet spot that has him shaking, and so he raises his hips to hit it again and again. he wraps a hand around joshua’s cock, stroking it in time with his thrusts. he’s getting tighter, impossibly hot around his dick, but he needs to last, wants to make joshua feel good, wants to be good for him. 

joshua’s hips stutter, breath catching before he whispers “_soonyoung_,” so quiet he almost doesn't hear it. his cock spits up, white streaks landing on soonyoung’s stomach, and soonyoung grinds into him, jerking him off till joshua is hissing, pushing his hand away.

it’s already hard to hold off his own orgasm but joshua clenches around him, impossibly tight and hot and soonyoung _ whimpers_, digging his nails into joshua’s hips, barely able to keep his thrusts paced. joshua holds him down by his shoulders, slamming his hips down, rim dragging on soonyoung’s cock with every pull. “are you gonna’ come for me?”   
soonyoung nods, frantic, tears pricking the corner of his eyes. he’s been waiting _so long_, been on edge for ages, waiting for joshua to finish first, to give him permission. joshua’s hand trails up, lingering over his neck (soonyoung _whines_), before resting against cheek. “use your words, soonyoung. tell me what you want, c’mon.”

he whimpers, averting his eyes - joshua’s gaze is intense, eyes too dark, too focused, and he can barely think clearly when it feels this good, let alone when joshua’s staring right into him, looking like he could eat him alive. 

“i wanna come - i need it, need it, _please_.” 

joshua grins, rolling his hips down, squeezing around him. “come for me, come for me, c’mon soonyoung.” 

and he does, just as joshua says his name, hips stuttering upwards and condom swelling. he squeezes his eyes shut, arching his back, head rolling against the pillow as he moans, his whole body twitching as he finishes, before he slumps against the bed, gasping for breath as his vision spots. joshua leans down, peppers his face with kisses before he pulls off, trembling slightly before he settles himself next to soonyoung, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close to his chest. 

“you were so good,” he presses a kiss to soonyoung’s cheeks, his eyelids, his temple. laps at the sweat that settles on his brow. “so good for me.” 

soonyoung curls into joshua, hiding his face in the crook of his neck as he catches his breath, warm and pliant, holding onto him like a lifeline.

** _01:59 AM, DECEMBER 31_ **

soonyoung hums, tracing spirals on joshua’s chest. “you know, you never told me what your new book was going to be about. i wanna know how it ends before everyone else.”

joshua rests his arm around soonyoung’s shoulder, thumb rubbing his skin, nail tracing over the edges of his tattoo. “you never told me about your tattoos,” he says in return, soft and amused.   
soonyoung thinks he’s just deflecting, but joshua turns over, moves out from under soonyoung to trace his finger over the flowers on his chest. “like this one, or this one,” he says, pointing to the tiny deer antlers above his collarbone, the tattoo no bigger than his thumbnail. most people miss it, even when it’s not covered by his shirt, because the dots look like moles from far away. he feels his heart drop in his chest, and suddenly it’s hard to breathe. joshua doesn’t even know that tattoo is for him.  
“how many do you have?”

joshua’s hand settling over his thigh - the tattoo there, actually - makes it a little hard to focus, but he answers eventually after counting them all in his head. “fourteen. most of them are pretty small though.” 

“you got a favorite?”

soonyoung grins, before turning over onto his stomach, looking over his shoulder to meet his eyes, “this one.”   
a dozen camellias, beginning at his ribs and stretching out up to his shoulder blade, each tucked into curling leaves that taper off and fade away onto his skin. joshua shifts, hovering over him so he can look at it better. “it’s really pretty,” he says softly, tracing the outline with his finger. a shiver runs down soonyoung’s spine, but he grins all the same.

“what does it mean?”

“i just thought it looked nice.” 

joshua barks out a laugh at that, and soonyoung laughs too. “i’ll tell you about the other ones if you tell me about your book. promise I won’t tell anyone.” 

“you won’t? you haven’t even read the first two,” he sounds far too amused, and soonyoung narrows his eyes. before he can say anything, joshua is pressing his lips to the knobs of soonyoung’s spine, soft and chaste, and he shivers, squirming. “_no_, don’t avoid it, c’mon- _ oh_.”   
joshua’s hands press his cheeks apart, thumbs pressing dangerously close to his hole, and he presses a kiss to the top of his cheek, humming before he lowers his head.

soonyoung supposes it can wait. 

** _06:55 AM, DECEMBER 31_ **

soonyoung winces, mouth curling into a pout before he sleepily raises his hand, wipes away the crust from his eyes before he opens them, glaring at the light entering the room. he’d forgotten to shut the curtains, and now the sun was coming up, casting the city with a frosty, white light. his body aches, still a little sore from dancing and-

his eyes go wide and he looks down at the arm around his waist, over his shoulder to see joshua’s sleeping face.

_ah_. 

soonyoung doesn’t know what to feel. but the sun is rising and he can’t sleep with any type of light, and he’s _ tired_, exhaustion seeping out of his pores. it hurts a little to get up, but soonyoung pries joshua’s arm off of him, stumbles out of bed to draw the curtains. his sleep shirt does little to keep out the cold and he grumbles, fumbling with the thermostat. it’s dark and he can hardly see, leaning in and squinting as he turns the heating up. 

“soonyoung?”

he looks over his shoulder, back to the bed. joshua is sitting up, comforter pooling around his waist as he rubs his cheek. soonyoung’s eyes are still adjusting to the dark but he can make out the pout on his mouth, tired and petulant and - _ oh_, joshua is a light sleeper. he’d almost forgotten.

“come back to bed.” 

his voice is low, rough with exhaustion, and soonyoung goes obediently, crawls back under the covers without thinking, arms wrapping tight around him. joshua sighs, shuffles closer so he can press a tired kiss to soonyoung’s temple, rubbing circles into his back. 

his heart is racing in his chest even when he closes his eyes, matches his breathes to joshua’s. it’s a while before he falls asleep again. 

** _11:13 AM, DECEMBER 31_ **

it’s snowing outside.

soonyoung had gotten up to open the curtains just to check, and now he’s back in bed, even though he can’t sleep. joshua’s back is pressed to his chest, hands tight around the arm that soonyoung has wrapped loosely around his waist. he’s still sleeping, and soonyoung leans forward, presses a tiny kiss to joshua’s shoulder, as gentle as can be so he doesn’t wake him up.

back when they were in university, joshua had always had trouble sleeping - he’d spend ages lying awake in bed, restless, mind burning with so many thoughts he could barely make sense of half of them. rarely would he ever be able to sleep more than a couple hours a night. 

(soonyoung remembers once - very early on in their relationship, before they’d started dating and when they were just friends- suggesting sleeping pills. joshua had given him a watery smile, rolled up his sleeves, and told soonyoung he didn’t trust himself with those. 

by then the scars were already fading, years old, and joshua was _ coping_, doing his best. but soonyoung had cried, he’d cried _ so much_, even more when he’d realized that joshua never cried, would never let himself. he was withdrawn, let himself feel things only on the surface because if he dared to get in touch with his emotions he was scared about what he’d find deep down. 

it was jeonghan who had eventually convinced joshua to at least see the counselor at their university, but his sleeping habits never changed.) 

soonyoung is glad he’s resting, so, so glad. he presses closer, nuzzling his forehead against joshua’s neck and sighing, breathing him in. joshua stirs, letting out a tiny groan and soonyoung stills, realizes belatedly that he must have woken him up. 

_ fuck. _

joshua touches the hand around his waist, feeling around it carefully a couple times, before he tentatively asks “_soonyoung?_” 

“yes?” 

joshua turns around slowly, blinking at him before he grins, cheek squished against the pillow. his voice is scratchy, too loving for how sleepy he still is. soonyoung is going to explode.

“good morning.” 

** _11:46 AM, DECEMBER 31_ **

joshua frowns at his phone, and soonyoung rubs his thumb over the space between his brows, smoothing out the furrow there. “stop making that face, you’re gonna’ get wrinkles. you’re nearly thirty, and that’s half sixty.”

joshua pushes his hand away with a huff, “_twenty nine_,” and soonyoung laughs, turning away so he can rummage through the fridge. there’s not that much - _ fuck_ he needs to get groceries - so he turns back to joshua with a sheepish smile. he’s still looking at his phone though, so soonyoung sticks a few pieces of bread in the toaster before sidling up next to him, trying to sneak a look at the screen. “what’s got you so bothered before noon, hmm?”

“it’s my mom,” soonyoung should not want to kiss the pout off joshua’s mouth, but _ oh_, he’s so _ cute_, “she’s talking to me about her friend’s son.” 

soonyoung blanches. “your _ mom _is trying to set you up?” 

joshua scoffs, thumbs hovering over the screen as he figures out how to reply. “yeah, she’s trying to get me married soon so i can adopt and give her grandchildren.” 

“the - if she knows you’re going to adopt why doesn’t _ she _ just adopt a kid?”

he puts his phone down on the counter, throwing his hands up in frustration. “i don’t know! she insists that it’s gotta be _ my _ kid, but it might as well be her kid, right? besides like, i don’t think _ she’s _ ready to be a grandparent, she keeps asking me weird questions about how am i’m gonna raise it? like, two weeks ago she called and she was so upset so i thought something had happened but she was just upset because she was wondering how i was going to explain to my kid where _ babies come from_.” 

soonyoung laughs, leaning against the counter. “well why don’t you just get _ her _ to do it, at least then you won’t have to tell your kid about the birds and bees."

joshua makes a face, annoyance and frustration and petulance all in one, and soonyoung thinks he’s _ so cute_. “yeah, well i mean, if i don’t even know this hypothetical kid or how old they’ll be, but i was just thinking that we’d tell them the stork thing you know, we wouldn’t have to bother with talking to them about you know, _ sex _ till they were much older.”

joshua is leaning against the counter, one hand up and moving about to gesture. he’s not the most talkative person, he never has been; always in favor of letting soonyoung or someone else speak, content to just listen. the first time he’d realized just how lively joshua _ could _ be made his heart ache: the memory of it brings up much the same feeling, but it hurts less, clouded with nostalgia and distance. the image of them sitting together, talking on soonyoung’s dorm room bed doesn’t actually feel that much different to the present: joshua with his bed hair, wearing something that might be soonyoung’s or might be his, finally just _ talking. _

so soonyoung doesn’t want to cut him off. he doesn’t want to interrupt him, when just the _ sound _ of joshua’s voice feels like a dream, but the words too, they-

“we?” he asks, tacking on a wobbly smile, as if to hide how small his voice sounds.

“what?” joshua blinks, hand stuck mid air halfway through gesturing to something nonexistent and inconceivable. his face is blank, curious, and _ oh. _ oh soonyoung wishes he weren’t this cute, wouldn’t make his heart race with just a single word. 

“you said we. like- like we would raise a kid together.”  
he speaks louder, tries for firmer too, but soonyoung curls in his shoulders, feels vulnerable suddenly having pointed this out.

“oh.”   
joshua’s eyes widen, suddenly realizing what he’d said. he drops his hands, fiddling with his thumbs, fingers running over the scar on his palm (soonyoung had been there when he’d got it - picking up the pieces of a broken mug, taking him to the emergency room, crying while joshua bristled and told him six stitches were nothing, just to sound brave for the both of them).

he stops, looking down at the ground and biting his lip, thinking very hard about something. soonyoung’s heart races, but he doesn’t want to press. 

joshua lets out a tiny little laugh, a forced one, like he’s doing his best to relax. soonyoung wants to take his hands and trace over the scar himself. 

“just ah- slip of the tongue. i hadn’t, uhm,-”

he cuts himself off, pursing his lips and thinking hard before he speaks again. “honestly, this- this feels a little like deja vu, really. i’ve had this conversation before. with jeonghan though, not with you.” 

he crosses his arms over his chest, shifting from one foot the other. soonyoung stares down at his feet, his toes curling in his slippers. 

“we were just talking, you know? it wasn’t anything serious, because we were both still. still young, you know? and back then i mean, we couldn’t have gotten married anyway,” he laughs, and the sound sounds a little lighter. the tension bleeds from soonyoung’s shoulders, and he relaxes, just a little bit. 

“i knew that, like… like i wasn’t ready for kids but it’s not impossible for me? not then, but eventually, maybe, i don’t know. it was easier to imagine when you were in the picture. and we _ were _together back then, so in my head it was me and you. if was i going to get married and have kids someday with anyone, it would have been you.”

a silence falls between them, and soonyoung feels like his heart has stopped.

_ it would have been you. i would have married you. i wanted a family with you. _

he doesn’t know what to do. he wants to hide, wants to crawl under his bed sheets, turn this revelation, this _ confession_, over in his hands, pick it apart, stare at it till it no longer feels real.

it is real, though. 

“you-,” his voice is tiny. soonyoung doesn’t know what to do. “you never told me that.” 

joshua looks up at him and smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “it was after we had already decided, you know. to break up.” ah. “and besides, it’s not like i could have afforded a ring.” he says that last bit with a laugh, voice tight.

soonyoung thinks back to when he’d first met joshua, before they’d started dating but after it was evident that joshua was the type of person soonyoung would have wanted to keep near him forever. that kind of friendship - whispering together in the dark, midnight walks, passing a drink between them as they talked. looking back, it had seemed inevitable that soonyoung would fall in love. he remembers: joshua admitting that he didn’t think himself the marrying type, that he just couldn’t imagine himself settling down with anyone. soonyoung had admitted the same. they were teenagers, but they’d really meant it.   
they’d dated for three years and never once revisited the topic. they never felt the need to, but-

soonyoung closes his eyes, letting out a sigh. “i would have said yes. if you’d asked back then, i would have said yes.”

_ back then_. 

joshua grins, but he looks sad. “that’s why i didn’t ask.” 

soonyoung wishes again that he hadn’t been such a coward. that he’d stood up to his parents sooner, that he’d found a job here instead, that he’d moved with joshua to chicago or new york or to the ends of the earth or just-

just _ something_. 

if he thinks seriously about it, he wouldn’t change himself, the last couple of years, because he’s happy, he _ is_. but he also thinks about joshua, how much he’d loved him, how much happier he could have been if they’d been together, how much easier it would have been if joshua was with him when his parents kicked him out, if he could have been there to hold soonyoung’s hand and reassure him that it was all going to work out. 

that big _ if_. 

he turns his head, looks away. it hurts, trying to speak any louder than a whisper, and his eyes are burning. his throat squeezes around the words. “i just wish we’d had more time together.”

but really, what difference would it have made, if they’d broken up then or after? he doesn’t even know if they’d have lasted, if they’d have gotten out of university and realised that maybe they weren’t that suited to each other? that they were young and selfish and reckless, that they wanted too much of everything and one day it would have just fallen apart?

a tear slides down his cheek, “_soonyoung,” _ and he wipes it away quickly.

“soonyoung,” joshua says again, stepping forward, cupping his face, thumbs smoothing over his cheekbones. “soonyoung, look at me.”

he hesitates, before bringing his eyes up. even through his tears, it’s clear joshua is trying not to cry too; his jaw tight, hands shaking, expression cold, like he was trying so hard not to let anything slip past. soonyoung knows this look, has seen it rarely but how could he ever forget it? just the sight of it makes his heart ache as it pounds against his ribs. 

“i shouldn’t have said anything. i didn’t want to- i didn’t want to upset you. i’m sorry.”

soonyoung lets out a shaky breath, hands reaching up to close around joshua’s, bringing them down to their sides and squeezing them tightly. he tries for a smile, and it’s easier than he’d thought it be, even if it’s still a little hard to breathe. “it’s okay. it’s okay. it’s not a big deal, i’m just a little emotional, it’s okay.”

_ it doesn’t change anything_. 

they’re standing so close together, and soonyoung holds his breath when he realizes, eyes flitting between joshua’s and the floor, down at their feet. they’re so close - he’d just have to tip his head forward, close his eyes-  
joshua stills, like he’s realized too, and soonyoung looks back up, unsure. he doesn’t want to pull away. 

the toaster beeps, the sound cutting through the silence, and they pull apart, letting go of each other’s hands quickly and stepping away. the moment is over.

soonyoung fumbles to get plates for the both of them, avoiding joshua’s eyes. 

** _12:33 PM, DECEMBER 31_ **

soonyoung stands in front of the mirror, tweaking his bangs till they sit the way he likes. he’s had dark hair for a couple months now and it looks _ nice_ , but he’s bored of it already. he’s gotten used to changing his hair color more often than this, so he’s itching for something new. minghao said he’d bought hair dye, the _ nice _ kind, because even if soonyoung hadn’t minded the tangerine orange (he’d even kept it for a while), he still wants to try a red. 

the hair dryer shuts off and soonyoung turns around. after a moment, joshua steps out of the bathroom, wrapping the cord neatly. 

his hair is down, soft and fluffy, and soonyoung represses the urge to run his hands through it. “thanks for this,” he says with a smile, before setting it down on the dresser. 

“oh, yeah, don’t worry about it.” 

joshua takes his phone out, tapping away and soonyoung turns back to the mirror. he’s not completely satisfied - his cheeks are still a little puffy, his bangs are lying a little flat, and without makeup all the imperfections on his skin are out on display. he’s not sure if they’re usually so obvious or if he’s just staring at his acne scars too hard. either way, he feels a little awkward to be preening while joshua waits, so he sighs, picks up his coat. 

“alright, let’s go.” 

soonyoung expects the elevator ride down to be quiet (awkward - it’s not every day he sees a hook-up down, but they’ve both got places to be, though joshua hasn’t mentioned anything about where he’s going). 

the moment the doors close, joshua brackets him against the mirrored wall. soonyoung makes a tiny noise of surprise but his shock dissipates the moment joshua leans in to kiss the corner of his mouth, sweet and soft. he’s mumbling something soonyoung doesn’t quite catch, but he giggles anyway. he’s not blushing, he can’t feel the tell-tale heat burning his cheeks, but he feels warm all over, from the tips of his ears to his toes curling in his shoes. 

he rests his hands on joshua’s hips, leans in to kiss him but he misses instead and plants one on his nose, and they both laugh, curling into each other. 

the elevator doors open and they pull apart, still giggling, grinning to their ears, and soonyoung is giddy till he realizes, inevitably, this must end. 

** _12:37 PM, DECEMBER 31_ **

soonyoung reaches out for joshua’s hand, holding on to it tightly before he can get into the car. “we should talk.”   
except of course, they’re on the sidewalk on a crowded street and joshua’s already got one foot in the cab and soonyoung was supposed to be at minghao’s place ages ago. “later, i mean,” he tacks on as an afterthought, flushed pink to the tips of his ears. 

joshua smiles, squeezes his hand before he lets go. “call me.” 

soonyoung takes a step back, giving him a curt wave before the cab drives off. his phone buzzes in his pocket.

_ [ From: Hao | Received at 12:38PM ]  
_ where are you

_ [ To: Hao | Sent at 12:38PM ]  
_ 5 min away

minghao’s going to kill him. 

** _05:05 PM, DECEMBER 31_ **

_ "soonyoung!” _

seokmin is stage whispering which is entirely unnecessary, but soonyoung fumbles around, reaching out blindly before he manages to turn off the shower so that the water around his ears isn’t drowning out the sound. “what?”

bending over the bathtub with his hair in his eyes means he can’t exactly turn around to face seokmin, but he sticks his hand out, waving it in the general direction of the hair dryer. he’s not leaving this bathroom dripping water everywhere - seokmin would be nice enough to mop it up, insist that soonyoung wouldn’t need to help, but minghao would skin him alive if soonyoung got water or god forbid,  _ hair dye _ on his rugs. 

“tony is sleeping on minghao’s stomach.”

soonyoung whips his head up so fast he  _ hears _ the water droplets flying from his head and hitting the ceiling. “where?”

he grabs his shirt - it’s an old one, ratty and on its last legs - and wraps it around his head before following seokmin to the living room where minghao is lying down on the couch, dozing off. antonio - his and seokmin’s fat, spoiled, impossibly cute rescue cat - is curled up on his stomach, eye closed and purring softly. soonyoung opens his mouth, but he can’t scream, he doesn’t want to wake up either of them, so he grabs seokmin’s arm, hugging him tight and squealing at a pitch too high to be heard by any living being. seokmin looks like he’s on the verge of tears, hugging him back with one hand while he takes photos on his phone with the other. priorities. 

once seokmin has considerable amount (several dozen probably, but his thumb was moving too fast and soonyoung wasn’t really counting), he sends them all to soonyoung, blissfully ignoring the fact that he’s adding to soonyoung’s collection of blackmail that he has on his boyfriend. 

they part, taking deep breaths and tiptoeing as carefully as they can to get closer. soonyoung wants to see this up close. even when he sticks his face right in front of tony’s, the cat doesn’t even move, so deeply asleep. minghao doesn’t either, and soonyoung wants to poke him. minghao has a face mask on - avocado today - and it’s crusted dry around his eyes and mouth, his hair rolled up carefully away. seokmin taps minghao’s phone on the coffee table, eyes widening when he realizes the timer - one that minghao had set so he knew when to take off the face mask - was down to thirty seconds. 

seokmin hits soonyoung’s arm, pulls him away and safely to the entryway, where they clutch each other, holding their breaths as they wait for the inevitable. 

the alarm goes off and antonio wakes up before minghao does, yelping and jumping up, fur standing on end. soonyoung presumes that tony has his claws out because minghao _howls_, clutching his stomach and batting tony away till the cat jumps off the couch and disappears into their bedroom.

seokmin tugs him out of the room - minghao will only be embarrassed to know that they’d witnessed that, and an embarrassed minghao will try to distract them by coming for soonyoung’s throat.

(seokmin is a good friend.)

** _05:15 PM, DECEMBER 31_ **

as predicted, he looks  _ good _ with red hair. 

it’s a little obnoxious for him to be complimenting himself like this, but seokmin is fawning over him and soonyoung  _ does _ like that, so he grins, preens while seokmin showers him in praise as he stands behind soonyoung, brushes out his hair delicately. yes, _more_, please.

“hey soonyoung,” seokmin starts, except there’s a strange sort of curiosity to his voice, like he’s going to ask something he’s not sure if he should. 

soonyoung hums in response, swaying slightly. seokmin’s hands in his hair are nice, and they’re making him a little sleepy, really.

“is that a hickey?” 

soonyoung’s eyes fly open and when he looks at his reflection in the mirror he sees that the make up has smudged off his neck, revealing the purplish bruises lining the dip from his shoulder to his neck. this foundation was supposed to be waterproof _what the fuck_. when he meets seokmin’s eyes in the mirror, his cheeks flush nearly as red as his hair and he pointedly looks away, focusing instead on the tiny freckles on his own cheeks. much safer. 

“yes,” he says curtly, doing his very best to be prim about the whole thing, even if he’s marked up like an overeager teenager. 

seokmin looks amused beyond belief, but to his credit, he just brushes out the last part of soonyoung’s hair, fluffing it up nicely. “i’m not judging you, relax.”  
soonyoung knows this - seokmin would never, even if they weren’t friends. truthfully, he’d met minghao first as a colleague at his dance studio, but seokmin - seokmin is _nice,_ seokmin is _good_, and they’d clicked from the first time they’d met. he’s the kind of friend that soonyoung feels he’s known his whole life, even though it’s barely been a year. 

(soonyoung had not met seokmin through minghao - soonyoung had introduced minghao to jeonghan, and jeonghan had introduced minghao and him to his nice underling at the firm he works at.

soonyoung does, however, like to take credit for minghao and seokmin meeting in the first place.)

“so…”

soonyoung knows this tone and he shrinks under it.

“who’s the lucky guy?”

telling seokmin that he hooked up with his college boyfriend after not speaking for years doesn’t sound like a good thing. even worse if he mentions that he doesn’t really know if meant anything - soonyoung would like for it to mean something, maybe, but he’s also not sure, and  _ god _ he wants to call joshua but it’s only been a couple hours since they parted and he’s not sure if this is desperate or not. then again - joshua had told him to call. his heart curls in on itself. 

he’s glad he’s having this conversation with seokmin and not minghao - minghao, who knows all about joshua, and even though soonyoung had explained that he harbored no ill will towards joshua, minghao is never pleased on the rare occasion he’s brought up.

(minghao is also a good friend, soonyoung thinks.)

he shrugs, wringing his hands in his lap. “this guy i met at a bar last night - we talked a lot and it went back to my place. i got his number.” 

usually, soonyoung likes to tell these things with a lot more detail - god knows seokmin  _ loves _ to hear it, eyes wide and sparkling as soonyoung shares the (exaggerated) scandalous bits of his love life, which has for a while now, been limited to hook-ups and flings. seokmin has been trying to set him up with nice boys he knows, but there’s never any chemistry and soonyoung can tell that seokmin worries more about him finding someone to settle down with than soonyoung does. he supposes he should mind that seokmin is so involved in his love life, but he isn’t. nice boys are nice, and sometimes nice boys rim you without you having to ask.

shit. joshua.

seokmin notices soonyoung’s silence, and his gaze lingers on him, but he hums and leaves it at that. he won’t press, not when soonyoung looks so uncomfortable. 

instead, he leans down and presses a kiss to the crown of soonyoung’s head. “all done. you look so cute, red really does suit you.”

seokmin is  _ such  _ a good friend. 

soonyoung preens.

(eight? nine years ago? deja vu. he remembers getting bleach on his hand and jeonghan trying to calm him down in the cramped bathroom of their dormitory. he can’t remember how bad it stung but he remembers the way his lungs collapsed when joshua finished styling his hair and met his eyes through the mirror, looking at him like there was no one else on earth. 

“_you look so good. it suits you so much_.” fixed a strand of light brown over soonyoung’s forehead. squeezed his shoulder. “_you look hot_.” 

his voice was higher back then. soft but firm. never raised his voice, but you always leaned in to listen. the sound of it plays in soonyoung’s head, broken record, over and over. that quiet murmur still sends him reeling.) 

** _06:07 PM, DECEMBER 31_ **

“soonyoung, get _in here_!” 

minghao is shouting from the kitchen, where he and seokmin are trying to save dinner.  _ dinner  _ is appetizers, because all their friends promised to bring  _ something  _ to the new years party, god knows minghao and seokmin barely have the capacity to cook for themselves, let alone a dozen people. soonyoung was supposed to help and he _was_, but he’s also on the phone, so he dutifully ignores him.

“_what’s going on? why is someone shouting?”_

soonyoung has known him long enough to know when jihoon is trying to sound apathetic but isn’t, and underneath it soonyoung can hear the touch of worry, can even imagine the way jihoon’s brows are furrowing, how he’s sitting up a little straighter. 

“yeah, yeah, don’t worry about it. it’s nothing,” sorry, minghao, “but really, are you okay?”

jihoon sighs on the other end - tired, he sounds so tired these days. he needs a break but soonyoung doesn’t know how to tell a workaholic to relax when he’s not there to pull jihoon aside and get him out of his studio. it’s good that he’s doing something he loves but the stress that comes with it, the obsessive fanbase, the constant expectation to be outdoing himself when he just wants to make music he likes - soonyoung worries. he doesn’t want jihoon to burn out.

“_i- i guess? i don’t know,” _he pauses for a minute, like he’s trying to organize his thoughts. “_i’m pressing charges. i’m sorry i didn’t tell you. i didn’t want you to worry.”_

soonyoung pets antonio and the cat turns over, showing off his impressive belly, but soonyoung knows better to touch it. he stick to the safe zone of tony’s little forehead, where he won’t risk having his hand scratched off. it was minghao’s turn to trim tony’s claws, which explains why they’ve gotten so long - tough as he is, minghao feels bad about having to hold tony down and cut his nails. soonyoung can’t voice how adorable he thinks it is because he doesn’t want to _die_, but it’s still cute. 

“it’s okay. i just wanted to make sure you’re alright.” 

jihoon hums, and soonyoung would like to appreciate the silence - a comfortable silence, because after years, he knows when jihoon doesn’t have anything to say but still appreciates him all the same - but they’re on a call and it’s not quite the same as being in jihoon’s space and being able to comfort him in person.

“hey, you know, i ran into joshua last night? he’s the one that told me about what happened.”

“_josh? as in, like, **our**josh.”_

_ our _josh, because jihoon had been friends with him too, had known him for just as long as soonyoung had. he’d been sad for soonyoung when they’d broken up, did his best to comfort him, but jihoon had no obligation to cut joshua out of his life, not when soonyoung only did it to give himself the space to recover and their breakup was mutual. 

it’s weird hearing jihoon say that. soonyoung wonders if he’s still allowed to think of joshua as _ his_.

“_i didn’t know you guys still talked.”_

“i- we don’t, jihoon, christ follow along. i ran into him _yesterday_, and we were catching up and he mentioned you.” 

jihoon never mentions joshua, even though soonyoung has known, vaguely, that they were still friends. it’s easier to ignore that part when he and jihoon meet so rarely, and when they text there’s always something more important to talk about. he gets the feeling that jihoon never mentions it on purpose - maybe to protect him, maybe for a reason like jeonghan’s - but soonyoung doesn’t quite understand why. they broke up years ago - soonyoung is over him. last night was an anomaly, even if soonyoung can’t stop thinking about it.

he touches the mark at his neck. it’s been covered up again, but it tingles under his fingers. 

“_right, but like, how did **that** go? did you guys talk? did anything happen?”_

soonyoung bristles, a little annoyed that jihoon was guessing already, but jihoon knows him better than most people. and jihoon knows joshua, knows what was between them and it hits soonyoung that maybe - jihoon, jeonghan, their other friends, they’d all seen him move on with his life just fine, but they haven’t seen soonyoung love someone else. they know about the relationships that came after, but they weren’t  _ present _ for it, weren’t seeing it every hour of the day the way they saw joshua and soonyoung back in university, when all of them were in each other’s space all the time, when the whole group of them were inseparable. 

he kind of misses that time, in the way he misses things he knows shouldn’t want anymore, something that is finite and untouchable, the kind of experience he can’t relive. it’s just a memory.

jihoon does know him better than most people.

“yeah. we slept together.” 

“_wha- the- **soonyoung**, oh my god, oh my fucking god, you haven’t seen him in years and- how long did you even wait before getting into his pants? oh my god i’m going to kill him, i’m really going to kill him-”_

soonyoung doesn’t catch the last part, laughing too hard at the sudden fit jihoon was throwing. “like, three hours.” 

“_soonyoung-” _jihoon starts, no doubt about to go on a long lecture.

“_soonyoung!” _minghao yells, holding up a wooden spoon, as menacing as a man can be with hair curlers in. 

“i gotta go jihoon, i’ll talk to you later. bye!” 

** _09:21 PM, DECEMBER 31_ **

“soonyoung, where ar- jesus christ, your  _ hair!” _

jeonghan leans against the kitchen door, eyes comically wide as he catches soonyoung stuffing a brownie into his mouth, cheeks puffed out because he’s trying to sneak off with as many as he can before jieqiong comes back in and kills him for his crime. she said she’d serve them later but what the hell does that mean? moving it from the kitchen to the dining table where everyone can see it and there’ll be less for him? 

hell no. these are good brownies.

jeonghan looks between him and the tray, mouth open as if to say something, before he turns his head and looks behind him. soonyoung can pinpoint the exact moment decides he _ fuck it _ before crowding around the counter with soonyoung, moaning before he’s even taken a bite of the brownie. they’re that good. 

“so? when did you do this?”  
he smacks his hand over soonyoung’s head unceremoniously, ruffling up his carefully done hair. seokmin will pout, but it’s not like his hair wasn’t going to get messed up at some point anyway - jeonghan being handsy is hardly the worst way for it to happen. 

when jeonghan said he wasn’t going to come today, seokmin had actually believed him. poor thing - seokmin, of course - had thought jeonghan had really meant it. 

eunbi had texted not three minutes later, promising that they’d both make it and jeonghan was already out of bed and cooking something to bring over. that part had scared soonyoung a little bit - both of them were  _ shit _ at cooking, god knows how they survive at home, but he can only assume jeonghan’s lost some kind of bet. eunbi is far too clever for her boyfriend. 

“couple hours ago. hao helped me.” 

of course minghao helped him dye his hair. soonyoung is useless at these kind of things - always wants to be pretty, preening himself till everyone else around him can’t stand it, but when it comes to anything that requires more than five minutes of coordination he’s hopeless. minghao likes to pretend he’s annoyed by this, but he always helps soonyoung out anyway, even if their styles are different and he calls soonyoung a fashion abomination on a regular basis. 

soonyoung has never been a quiet person, but he’s stuffing his face and the silence doesn’t sit well with him. he needs noise, he needs something to focus on and somewhere between his fourth and sixth brownie his brain has turned to mush and he can’t revel in the taste quite as much as he did with the first bite. he reaches for another piece anyway, and jeonghan provides the conversation because if there’s anyone more chatty than soonyoung it’s him. 

“hey, soonie did you hear about what happened to jihoon?”

there it is, like clockwork. 

jeonghan opens his mouth, about to spew whatever he’d read off from a tabloid, word for word, even though he’s probably heard the story from jihoon already - before soonyoung too, because he’s better at keeping tabs on everyone. when they’d first met he’d thought the nosiness was annoying, frustrating to deal with - ironic, coming from him, but he’s learned since that jeonghan is like that because he _worries_. unnecessarily and often, but he does anyway, and soonyoung takes it in stride if it means jeonghan pampers him whenever they meet, lamenting that he doesn’t call enough or that soonyoung’s gotten thinner when he hasn’t. 

he wonders why jeonghan never told him about joshua being in new york - surely jeonghan knows. either because he kept an eye out for him or jihoon told him. jeonghan is good at holding grudges but he’s sentimental too, and even beyond that, soonyoung can’t imagine a world where jeonghan despised joshua so much that he wouldn’t even check in on every once in a while. it’s just too impossible. 

“_soonyoung! jeonghan!_ what the _hell_ do you think you’re doing?” 

he freezes, a brownie halfway to his mouth, eyes wide as he turns and sees jieqiong. he never knew someone could  _ breathe  _ so menacingly. 

jeonghan tries to duck out of the kitchen but jieqiong grabs him by the ear, yanking him down to her height before coming along to soonyoung, dragging jeonghan behind her.  _ ouch_.   
“i told you not to eat my fucking brownies, holy _shit_, soonyoung, how many did you have?” 

jieqiong is a good friend. minghao had introduced them and soonyoung had thought she was small and lovely for all of ten minutes before he’d told a joke and she’d laughed and hit him so hard he’d bruised. soonyoung knows better now. it’s a little pathetic admitting he’s scared of a five foot four twig of a person but he’s  _ pretty sure _ jieqiong could kill him in eight different ways with just her left hand. 

he cowers, bottom lip trembling. maybe if he looks pitiful she’ll spare him. god knows jeonghan, that  _ goblin _ of a man, is already dead meat. he catches a glimpse of eunbi standing at the doorway, recording all of this on her phone.

“five?”   
his voice as gone all high-pitched, far more feeble than he’d planned. the number is closer to eight, really. 

jieqiong glares at him for a moment, lets him  _ stew _ in his fear before her expression smoothes out, eyes curiously blank. he’s a dead man.

“those are weed brownies, soonyoung. you’re not supposed to have that many.” 

jeonghan lets out a tiny little squeak. soonyoung’s stomach drops. he’s got a half-eaten ninth brownie in his hand. “really?”

she stares at him for a moment, before her lip trembles and it’s seconds before she’s bursting out laughing, letting go of jeonghan so she can clutch at her stomach, doubling over at her own joke. “i- i had you there, the look on your face, oh my_ god_.”    
she’s wheezing at this point and jeonghan stands up, brushes off the imaginary dust from his shoulders before he stomps over to eunbi, demanding to see the video in the whiniest voice possible. 

soonyoung finishes the rest of his brownie, just as chan pops into the kitchen, smiling too wide. 

“who brought edibles?” 

** _10:02 PM, DECEMBER 31_ **

it’s well below freezing but soonyoung follows minghao out onto the fire escape anyway, stepping as carefully as he can over the windowsill without dropping either of their bottles. minghao, bastard that he is, just hums, lets soonyoung wobble precariously before extending a hand to help him, sitting gingerly on the metal step below minghao. 

“here,” he says, sticking out a beer bottle for minghao. it’s cold and he sort of wants to go back inside. nayoung is mixing drinks tonight, and soonyoung had barely gotten a sip - it was fruity and strong and warmed him right up - before minghao was insisting that they talk.  
the scene is sort of familiar - they’ve had plenty of conversations out here, nursing beers and musing about the things that should have happened differently. 

“you’ve been acting weird all day.”

minghao doesn’t beat around the bush, but soonyoung just hums, takes a long sip. he’s used to it. the lip of the bottle is cold against his mouth, and outside, the sound of their party is muffled but it feels like the whole city is thrumming, pulsing with energy. tiny pockets of lights and music and people huddling together for warmth in the dead of winter, choosing to be with their friends instead of staying toasty at home - except there’s thousands of these pockets and when soonyoung looks down he can see cars driving past, blaring music and popping confetti streamers out of the windows. 

he hums, wonders which part he should start with. that he met joshua again - that it’s been years but they’d fallen into place so easily, that it had felt like no time at all, that he’d had to spend so much of that time reminding himself they weren’t together. or does he start with jihoon - that soonyoung is worried jihoon is always going to be too scared to be vulnerable, that he’s pouring so much of his soul into his music that he’s leaving nothing for himself, that soonyoung wishes he could fly straight to los angeles and wrap his best friend up and hide him away from the world and their prying eyes. or with jeonghan - jeonghan who soonyoung trusts with his whole life, has known for more than a decade, who never told soonyoung that his ex-boyfriend, the one he’d proclaimed his soulmate, the one that got away, was in the same city as him, that the things that had held them back in the first place no longer mattered. 

he twists his beer bottle in his hand, scratching at the label idly. “do… do you remember my ex? joshua? i ran into him yesterday night.”

minghao hums, and though soonyoung isn’t looking, he can feel minghao’s eyes on him. “i didn’t know he was in this city.”  
the tone to his voice is strange - not quite judgement, not quite disappointment - like there’s a question there, but soonyoung doesn’t know how to answer it.

soonyoung smiles, but it feels like the muscles of his mouth are broken, like they aren’t working properly anymore. why is it that he’s suddenly like this now, when just moments ago he’d felt fine?   
when he speaks, he laughs, but it doesn’t sound right, not even to his own ears. “jeonghan knows, i think. i’m pretty sure he does, at least. but he didn’t tell me, i just. just ran into josh by myself yesterday. we talked a lot and it was nice. it was really nice.” 

he tugs his jacket tighter around himself, and when he exhales, his breath puffs up in front of him like a cloud. he wishes he’d brought out his beanie too - the tips of his ears were getting cold. 

“you kissed him, didn’t you?”

_ kissed him. _ how sweet, how innocent. just the thought of kissing joshua, soft and chaste, makes his whole body tingle with warmth, makes his heart flutter in his chest.

the way minghao says it isn’t mean - his voice has gone all soft, wistful even. sometimes the best soonyoung can hope for is anger or even pity, knowing how much he frustrates minghao. but sometimes he gets this instead - the kind of understanding that he should expect from someone he’s known for years. minghao is always careful. considerate. soonyoung is so fucking lucky. 

“it felt right."

soonyoung doesn’t expect his voice to be that small, but it’s barely above a whisper. it feels like it hurts to say it any louder. “it felt right to kiss him, hao. it felt right to be with him again. i really-”  
he shuts his eyes, sighs. “i was over him, y’know? for a long time, i was over him. it’s been so long but it still feels- it still feels right. being with him. i haven’t felt like that with anyone in a long time.”

whatever nostalgia cloud soonyoung has been floating through the last twenty four hours feels like it clears here. 

it’s true though. soonyoung’s loved people other than joshua, but it’s been a long, long time since being with someone felt _right_, since it felt natural, like it was meant to be. soonyoung has always been too loud, too excitable, too _much_ \- even for himself, sometimes. he finds himself doubting how much his friends actually like him, how much they’re just putting up with him before they cut him off entirely, leave him behind to wilt and wither. he’s growing up, he’s trying - sometimes he feels like an adult, sometimes he feels like a child stuck in a body too big for his heart, wondering how everyone else is getting by when he feels like every move is a mistake. 

(sometimes he thinks about going home - all the way back home, to namyangju, to when he was a small child and he could rest his head on his mother’s lap and sleep the afternoon away while she read.

he can’t, of course. go back.)

joshua had always been his peace - he was friendly, he laughed just as loud as the rest of them, had more bad ideas than all of them combined - but to soonyoung, he was always _home_. like soonyoung could go back to him and everything would be okay, like he could hide his face against joshua’s neck and the rest of world would fade away while soonyoung laid in his arms. even just his voice - so many nights they’d stayed up late on the phone together, soonyoung just listening to the sound of his voice - the way he spoke, soft and quiet and gentle. he remembers wishing so many nights that he could listen to it forever. that they could have been forever.

he sighs. “i got his number. gonna’ call him later.”

it sounds so final when he says it like that, but really, he thinks he might have decided on this already. now that he knows joshua is near him, soonyoung doesn’t know if he can just go back to the way it was before. he doesn’t think he can just let him go again. he can’t.

minghao just nods, and soonyoung is glad he doesn’t say anything. minghao’s approval is rare, but soonyoung knows it when he sees it, and he doesn’t realize till now that he’s glad he has it, even if he didn’t ask. 

eight floors down on the ground below, someone is setting off firecrackers in the alley and they both turn to look, quiet as they peer over the edge. this high up the spark are all they see, bright and loud as a group of kids cheer around it, whooping as one shoots up particularly high. 

it’s not silent, but neither of them speak, nursing their beers as they watch the city unfurl around them. 

he’s only lived here a year and a half but soonyoung can’t imagine moving back, no matter how much the wistful, lonely part of his brain begs him. he knows better: he’s got friends here, a life here, a career. he turns his head and looks at minghao. his expression has gone soft, curious as he watches below. his hair is getting too long and his bangs are hanging over his eyes, so much so that every so often minghao has to push them out of the way. he looks oddly young - like a teenager, and soonyoung sort of wants to hug him, protect him. he wonders what minghao must have been like in college - if he was just like soonyoung.

“you know…”

soonyoung looks up, waiting. 

“you talk about him a lot more than you realize.” 

“josh?”

“yeah, i mean like...” minghao pauses for a moment, and soonyoung thinks on that. drunk ramblings might count, but when else? he doesn’t know if he’s talked about joshua that much more than he’s talked about his other exes. “like… like you’re always happy when you talk about him. you don’t let me get mad about him even though he hurt you.”    


that makes sense, he supposes. maybe it’s just that it’s been a long time - that maybe he’s forgotten, that maybe he’s only remembering the good parts. but soonyoung remembers all of it, even the pain - how could he forget? 

he needs to talk to jeonghan, he thinks. not tonight, but soon. 

“everything alright out here?”

they both turn to see seokmin sticking his head out of the window, grinning so wide his eyes have narrowed to slits. seokmin has mentioned before that he’s worried that’s getting wrinkles, but soonyoung thinks his crows feet are lovely. 

minghao looks to him, and soonyoung nods. “yeah, we were just heading back inside.” 

seokmin laughs, and soonyoung wishes he could wrap himself up in that sound, stay warm and light and happy forever. “good. yaebin’s going to try and eat a whole lemon because if she doesn’t jieqiong’s going to force her to ask out minkyung.”

_ finally_. 

** _11:59 PM, DECEMBER 31_ **

“_move_, move over, c’mon, soonie.”

soonyoung just whines, pouting before seokmin tugs him onto his lap and the two throw their arms over each other, sulking as chan squishes them against the armrest of the couch. minghao is barely tipsy, _fuck him_, and has commandeered a coffee table as a stool and set it beside them, and he laughs as he watches them all drunkenly coordinate to find places to sit. they make an odd picture, and soonyoung wishes wonwoo was here to join. he wonders if he can convince someone to take a family picture of them all so he can send it and gloat, but wonwoo is surely asleep by now. soonyoung had already gotten a new years message hours ago when it was midnight in london, and he doesn’t expect to hear from wonwoo again till long after the impending hangover is gone.

jieqiong fumbles with the tv remote for a little too long, making chan stomp his feet before he cheers as she finally turns it on. it takes a couple more clicks before she gets to cnn and in that time soonyoung has drawn his legs up, curling around seokmin like a koala. 

times square is packed, stuffed so full with people the reporter is jostled every couple of seconds, but the camera cuts away from her anyway, turns to show clips of the timer, the crowd, the sparkling new york skyline. soonyoung leans in a little, mouth dropping as he stares at the screen, so completely enamoured he almost doesn’t hear seokmin giggle behind him, airy and amused. 

as the final ten seconds come in, they all count in time, and soonyoung lets go of seokmin so he can clench his fists, nod his head with every number. 

“_three… two… one… happy new year!”_

soonyoung throws his hands up and yaebin does too, except she’s holding a glass of god knows what and it’s spills all over his thighs. he howls because it’s  _ cold _ and stands up, nearly trips on an ice cube before seokmin and minghao are pulling him back down, kissing his cheeks. soonyoung yelps, barely registers jeonghan and nayoung and eunbi leaning in to kiss his forehead and when they finally let go of him he’s breathless and giggling. they’ve set on chan next, who is flailing and insisting he’s fine, he doesn’t need a kiss, but he’s single too so soonyoung drapes himself over him and plants a wet one right on his temple. 

yaebin is already standing up and trying to make a break for it but jieqiong yanks her down onto the couch so they can all kiss her. her face has turned a lovely cherry red and soonyoung laughs, kisses the top of her head, feeling warm all over and stupidly giddy. 

there’s a lot of things that could have gone differently, a lot of mistakes he’s made, but this: laughing with his friends, ringing in the new year, soft and happy and light as air - he wouldn’t change this for the world.

** _12:48 AM, JANUARY 01_ **

he puts the toilet cover down as gingerly as he can, careful not to make too much noise, before he sits down. oh, that’s better. the room wasn’t spinning before but the relief that comes with putting his ass on a stable surface certainly makes it feel like it was. he huffs as he tries to get his phone out of his pocket, wiggling and sticking his leg out till he’s finally got it in his hand. fucking skinny jeans - who is he trying to impress? at the end of the night he’s going to have to take these off himself and worm his way into bed. he wonders if he can convince minghao to let him crawl into their bed for the night - none of them are fit to be driving home and the idea of trying to maneuver the subway or call an uber is less than appealing. 

it wouldn’t hurt if he monopolized seokmin for a few more hours. the man’s already half asleep, drunk and giggly and he’s damn good at cuddling, so minghao can shove it. soonyoung wants to be cuddled. 

he flicks through his contact list till he finds the name he wants, and it takes three tries for him to press the call button, but within moments, joshua’s voice is on the other line, saying his name so sweetly. soonyoung closes his eyes and sighs. there’s relief there, the kind that he didn’t know he needed till he was hearing joshua’s voice, the tension bleeding out of his shoulders. 

“hi~,” he sings, laughing softly. 

on the other side he can hear laughter, people chattering in the background. joshua must be out - of course he’s out, it’s new years eve. he must be with his friends too, enjoying his time with them instead of locking himself in a bathroom because he’s worried he’s annoying people and he can’t stop thinking about how badly he wants to be held. 

“soonyoung? is everything okay?”

ah, he must have stayed quiet for too long. there’s a touch of worry to joshua’s voice, and soonyoung doesn’t care that it makes him selfish, he loves it. he wants to take that, wants to hide away somewhere with the knowledge that joshua worries about him, will come looking for him. 

“yeah. i just wanted to hear your voice.” 

“oh,” joshua laughs, soft and tired. he doesn’t like getting drunk, but soonyoung wonders if he’s had anything at all tonight. “alright. where are you?” 

“i’m at a friends house. we did the countdown together.”

“me too. everyone’s drunk and i’m sitting here with a bowl of mashed potatoes.”

soonyoung laughs at that, one hand reaching up to cup his cheek as he imagines joshua sitting by himself at a dining table, eating mash while everyone around him stumbles around him drunkenly. cute. or - it’s not that cute, but soonyoung thinks it’s adorable. who the hell brings mashed potatoes to a new years party? joshua's friends suck. soonyoung should introduce him to his. “is it good at least?”

“hell yeah. i’ll get some for you if you want.” 

he wants to refuse, but he knows joshua is already planning on it, so he hums, kicks his legs out. “yeah. that’d be nice.” 

joshua hums, and soonyoung digs his nails into his knee, sighing softly. he doesn’t know what to say but he doesn’t want to hang up. 

“are you sure you’re okay, soonyoung?”

“yeah. just tired. i ate too much and now i don’t wanna move. i wanna go to sleep.” his voice comes out whinier than expected, and joshua laughs. soonyoung loves the sound. 

“do you need me to pick you up?”

soonyoung blinks. he hadn’t been expecting joshua to offer. “that… would be nice.”

the way joshua speaks, soonyoung can tell he’s trying not to laugh. it makes something squeeze tight in his chest. “alright. send me your location, i’ll come over.” 

** _01:37 AM, JANUARY 01_ **

“good night chan,” he whispers, even though chan is out like a log and wouldn’t hear him if soonyoung had shouted into his ear with a megaphone. he leans down and puckers his lips, pressing the tiniest of kisses to chan’s temple. the other barely stirs, turning over so he can press his face into the couch cushion. soonyoung draws the blanket over chan’s shoulder, blows a kiss to his sleeping face before he wobbles over to seokmin and minghao’s bedroom. it’s not that late but everyone has eaten too much and seokmin is too nice to kick any of them out, so they’re all crashing  _ somewhere _ in the apartment. 

soonyoung thinks that other than him, jeonghan and eunbi are probably the only ones that aren’t spending the night, though they won’t be leaving till eunbi finishes her nap on the floor. god, they’re perfect for eachother. 

the doorbell rings and jeonghan, the only sober one left, rolls out of the armchair he’s colonized, one foot sticking up in the air before he manages to stand up in a vaguely human way. “i’ll get it.”

soonyoung ducks his head into the bedroom, breathing a sigh of relief when he sees that everyone is clothed. jieqiong and yaebin are spooning, seokmin’s cat curling up against yaebin’s stomach, while seokmin lies at the foot of the bed, snoring peacefully on his side. minghao is nowhere to be found, but that’s not entirely unusual. as long as he’s indoors, he’s fine, and soonyoung is sure that not even a drunk minghao would brave the icy cold outside. he tiptoes in, whispering a good night to everyone as he plants a tiny kiss on each of their foreheads. only jieqiong stirs, lifting a sleepy hand so she can wave him good night, whispering ‘_bye bye soonyoung_’. the sight of her, so small and childlike, curled up under the comforter like a baby is so cute that soonyoung leans in and kisses her hand. “bye bye, jieqiong.”

he finds his coat in the kitchen, folded neatly on a chair with a tupperware of brownies on top. nayoung’s handy work no doubt, but soonyoung doesn’t want to sneak back into the guest bedroom to give her another kiss, lest he accidentally wake up kyungwon. 

the front door is open and he can hear the other parties still going on, but the sound is muffled, distant. in this part of his world, everyone is cozy and asleep and soonyoung wishes he was too, rubbing the exhaustion out of his eyes as he fixes his coat around his shoulders. he wobbles out of the kitchen before he wobbles back in, picking up the brownies. can’t forget those.

the door is open, which is sort of weird. 

when he peeks out into the hall, joshua and jeonghan are standing together, talking quietly. oh. soonyoung should maybe not have let jeonghan get the door.

they turn to look at him, but soonyoung’s eyes are on joshua and the way his whole face lights up, sleepiness gone and replaced by a smile and the fondest look in his eyes. soonyoung’s heart clenches in his chest but he can’t help but feel like he’s interrupted something important. 

“is everything okay?”

“yeah, don’t worry. we’re just talking.” jeonghan offers him a tired smile, reaching his hand out for him. soonyoung tiptoes out of the doorway, taking jeonghan’s hand and squeezing it, leaning up to peck his cheek before he teeters forward, throwing his arms around joshua’s shoulders, pulling him in for a hug. “hi,” he whispers. 

“hi,” joshua whispers back, “i like your hair. it suits you.” 

“soonyoung, are you going home with him?”

instead of letting them go, soonyoung turns them around, looking at jeonghan over joshua’s shoulder. jeonghan has this look on his face, like he’s trying to play parent, but soonyoung can tell he’s biting back a smile. 

“yup. i’m sleepy.” 

jeonghan smiles and soonyoung lets go of joshua so he can walk over to hug jeonghan, giving him another kiss, this time on his other cheek so it’s fair. they still need to talk, but for now soonyoung is okay with this. he likes jeonghan. 

“good night jeonghan.”

jeonghan kisses the top of his head. “good night soonyoung.” 

when he pulls away, joshua is waiting for him, arm wrapping around his waist and soonyoung tucks himself against him, offering one more tiny wave to jeonghan before the door shuts and they make their way to the elevator. he looks down, finally notices the plastic bag joshua is carrying, and soonyoung nearly falls over when he leans down to try and look inside. 

“are those the mashed potatoes?”

“yup. here, put your box in so you don’t have to carry it.” joshua holds the bag open and soonyoung puts his tupperware inside gingerly, giving it a little pat and tells it to stay put before he links his arm with joshua’s, resting his head against his shoulder. 

“let’s go home.” 

** _01:56 AM, JANUARY 01_ **

they’re crawling through traffic, going by so slowly at times that soonyoung wonders if they’ll even be home by the time the sun comes up. the streets are still packed, flooded with people trying to get home, even though he can still hear the sound of celebrations, muffled outside the car. he’s not all that sleepy but he rests his head on joshua’s shoulder, closing his eyes to block out the jarring taillights of the car in front of them. joshua’s hand wraps around his shoulders automatically, and he shuffles a little closer so that soonyoung can rest against him more comfortably. 

“josh?”

“hmm?”

“what were you and jeonghan talking about?”

there’s a pause before joshua answers. soonyoung guesses he’s still trying to figure things out for himself. “he asked how i was and we talked a little about you. i got his number too.”

soonyoung looks up, tilting his head. “you didn’t have his number?”

joshua shakes his head, giving soonyoung a tiny smile as he runs his fingers through soonyoung’s hair. it’s nice, calming. “no, ah- after we fought, he changed his number.” 

soonyoung huffs, snuggling against joshua once again, mumbling softly. “that’s so dramatic. why would he do that? that’s so silly. he can’t hear your apology if he does that.”   
joshua just laughs, rubbing circles into soonyoung’s shoulders with his thumb. “it’s okay. you know how he is.” 

soonyoung hums, because he does know. jeonghan holds a grudge better than most people, always needing to be _right_. 

still. “what did you guys even fight about? you still haven’t told me. I bet it’s not even a big deal.”   
joshua hums. “well, it’s not a big deal now. it was then, though. and i think… i think you should hear this one from jeonghan first.”  
soonyoung throws his arm around joshua’s waist and squeezes, hugging him tight. “okay. but i wanna hear your side too.” 

“why?”

soonyoung opens his mouth, then shuts it promptly, biting down on his lip to stop the words from coming out. he’s still tipsy, and he doesn’t trust himself to keep himself unbiased, to not make a fool of himself. joshua’s hand stills at his shoulder, and soonyoung squeezes his eyes shut, taking a shuddering breath. 

“you know why.”

** _02:17 AM, JANUARY 01_ **

soonyoung presses himself against the window, his breath fogging up against it as he looks outside. they’re crossing over the bridge now, metal pillars flashing by their window as they move between boroughs. “you live in midtown?”

“come here,” joshua tugs him back, hugging him tightly, and though soonyoung can’t see his face, he can tell he’s a little bit flustered. soonyoung titters, patting joshua’s arms lightly. “i forgot you’re  _ rich _ now. tell me you’ve got a sex dungeon, mister hong.” 

“soonyoung!”

joshua wriggles a hand under his shirt, pinching his stomach to make him stop, and soonyoung yelps, sitting up straight. ahead, he can see the cab drivers eyeing them in the rearview mirror. soonyoung is not sober enough for shame. “whatever. you better show me when we get there.” 

joshua simply huffs, crossing his arms over his chest and looking stubbornly out the other window, but soonyoung doesn’t miss the way his cheeks pink, even when their lit by nothing but the passing street lights. the shadows under his cheekbones shift as they drive along, eyelashes casting long shadows over his skin, black over shifting gold, and soonyoung blinks slowly, transfixed. 

he lies down, curling up on the seat so he can rest his head on joshua’s thigh, humming softly. “i’m going to nap. wake me up when we get there.” 

joshua doesn’t say anything, but he cards his fingers through soonyoung’s hair, slow and soothing.

** _03:03 AM, JANUARY 01_ **

joshua ambles about his kitchen, his slippers hitting the floor with a tiny  _ pat pat pat!  _ for every step. he’d lent soonyoung a pair of slippers too when soonyoung had complained about his feet hurting - he’d worn a stiff pair of dress shoes (his  _ only _ pair of dress shoes) when minghao had  _ insisted _ that they were all going to have a grown up dinner party for new years. soonyoung doesn’t know why minghao had bothered when they all  _ knew _ they were going to be drunk by eleven, but he’d still dressed the part just for him. 

he lifts his feet up, stares down at the fluffy purple slippers. joshua had tried to claim he’d gotten them as a joke, but soonyoung was grinning so hard he’d stopped half through his explanation and just sighed. 

soonyoung watches joshua from his perch on the counter, swinging his legs idly. it’s a really nice kitchen - wide and open and with pretty marble countertops, the  _ real _ kind, not just contact paper. his whole apartment is like this - bright and modern, floor to ceiling windows that would flood the room with light during the day. he’d seen a little bit of the living room before joshua had tugged him into the kitchen, and all the furniture looked fancy, too clean, like soonyoung would have a hard time sitting on it without his pants squeaking on the couches. all the spare walls had been fitted with bookcases, every row nearly overflowing, and soonyoung wonders if joshua even has the time to read that many. it’s the only thing soonyoung can say for sure joshua put in the apartment - everything else seems impersonal. like the whole place had been furnished from a catalogue and joshua had only just moved in yesterday. 

(soonyoung can’t remember the last time he read a book for fun. wonwoo frequents a used bookstore three blocks down from their apartment and comes back with something new every two weeks. within a month of moving in, they’d made the apartment their own, every shelf cluttered with books and photographs and soonyoung’s growing collection of bobbleheads. 

joshua said he’d moved into this place a year ago.)

“here,”

joshua sets the knife down on the chopping board (his giant wood block chopping board,  _ christ,  _ soonyoung has the cheap plastic ones from target that take four seconds to clean and he’d have  _ still _ tried to use a butter knife and a plate instead, just so he’d have less to wash up later). he hands soonyoung his sandwich on a plate, cut neatly into triangles before he turns around, opening a cupboard to rifle through it. “do you want any hot sauce with it?”

“fuck you.”

joshua laughs, shutting the cupboard and sitting next to soonyoung on the counter. soonyoung has never been good with spicy food and joshua knows that - god knows how much he teased him for it back when they were in university. soonyoung got pranked by their friends all the time - hot sauce and wasabi hidden in his food, their phones ready for the moment soonyoung’s face would turn red and he’d whine about how they’re going to  _ burn _ for the sins they’ve committed against him. 

(he fell for it every time too - was always too happy to see they’d bought him food that he’d forget to check if they were playing tricks on him. besides, joshua was always there, yakult ready just in case soonyoung cries a little too much at the burning sensation in his mouth.) 

“c’mon, you still can’t handle spicy food? i don’t know how you’ve survived this long.”

soonyoung huffs, chooses not to dignify that with an answer and instead takes a bite of his sandwich, moaning the moment his teeth sink in. he thinks he hears joshua mutter ‘_dramatic_’ under his breath, but soonyoung ignores it, shutting his eyes and swaying on the spot. joshua knows how to make a  _ damn _ good grilled cheese, just the way soonyoung likes. it had been the  _ only _ thing he’d known how to make make in college, instant foods not counted, but soonyoung hopes joshua has expanded his repertoire since then. 

“gimme a bite,” joshua leans in, hand reaching forward to take the other half of the sandwich. 

soonyoung hisses, holding the plate away from him before he can. “hell no. get your own food.”   
joshua stares at him, mouth agape. “you- you can’t come into  _ my  _ kitchen and eat  _ my  _ food and disrespect me like this. gimme.” 

soonyoung sticks his tongue out. “i’ll do what i damn please, joshua hong, keep your meaty paws away from my sandwich.”

joshua lunges forward and soonyoung shrieks.

** _03:06 AM, JANUARY 01_ **

“you have so much food in here man, why couldn’t you make something for yourself?” 

soonyoung pouts as he looks into joshua’s fridge. it’s well stocked, organized a little too neatly for his taste. his own fridge is a _mess_, barely manageable most days.   
soonyoung looks at a box shoved to the back of the fridge, kneeling down so he can catch a peek of the label. “do- do you get your ingredients delivered?” 

he doesn’t turn to see joshua’s reaction, too shocked at the revelation.

“yeah, i signed up for this thing that sends you recipes and ingredients once a week. i’m trying to learn how to cook so i thought that’d be a good idea.”

shit, soonyoung just looks at youtube tutorials and buys produce when it’s on sale. this is so bougie. 

“that’s so fucking bougie.”

“go fuck yourself.”

soonyoung wiggles his butt, standing up so he can peek over the fridge door and wink at joshua. “what the hell did you bring me over for then?”

joshua has neatly polished off his half of the sandwich, rolling his eyes as he dumps the plate into the sink. “uh, yeah, no. you’re going straight to bed.”

he hadn’t planned on getting laid tonight - god, the mere suggestion of fucking someone from his friend group makes his stomach turn, they’re just  _ not _ his type. but if joshua’s here, looking  _ that _ good in just a button up and slacks, with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows and his shoulders filling out that shirt so nicely, then maybe soonyoung wants a little something. just a little. he’s humble, maybe, sort of, and joshua looks _good_.

he’s not good at seduction. he’s better at winning people over by making them think his eagerness is cute.

he closes the fridge door with a sigh, mouth curling into a pout. he pretends he isn’t looking, but he catches joshua’s head turning just a little, his eyes on him. _nice_. “okay, you’re right. it’s late and i am kind of tired.”  
he is tired. too tired, in fact. he might need help getting out of these tight pants. he wonders if he can inconspicuously bend over and give joshua a good eyeful of his ass, but then he remembers he’d already (accidentally) done that. even his subconscious wants to get laid, how helpful. 

he walks behind joshua, wrapping his arms around his waist for a back hug, tucking his chin against joshua’s shoulder so he can whisper by his ear. “c’mon, let’s go.”

joshua hums, patting soonyoung’s hand with his own. “do you think you’re being subtle?”

his voice is far too amused, but he doesn’t turn his head to look soonyoung in the eye. how nice of him, soonyoung’s cheeks are already burning with shame, and he can hardly speak now, so he just mumbles, “i was really hoping i wouldn’t need to be.” 

joshua laughs softly, his shoulders shaking against soonyoung’s chest. “you haven’t changed at all, soonyoung. not one bit.” 

** _11:11 AM, JANUARY 01_ **

his head hurts. 

the motions of finding his body again when he’s working with half a hangover is familiar enough that he doesn’t have to think about it. there’s blackout curtains - weird,  _ weird  _ \- and he has to use the flashlight on his phone to find his clothes and the bathroom. 

this bathroom is the size of his bedroom. he contemplates leaving his number on the dresser.

whoever’s apartment it is, it seems empty, and so soonyoung isn’t sure he’s welcome to lounge around. he feels gross and he knows his makeup is smeared, but he cleans up as much as he can as quick as he can. there’s a layer of nasty on his skin, but he brushes his bangs into place with his fingers and decides that even if the red is too harsh on his eyes this early in the morning, he really likes the color. shame that the weather isn’t tan-friendly.

ah.

this is familiar.

he can see a head of hair resting on the arm of the couch - black leather, black fucking leather, what fifty shades knock off is he starring in? - and soonyoung panics, but as he gets closer he realizes the man must be asleep. how polite - soonyoung might have been too drunk for sex, but giving him the bed? chivalry isn’t dead.

out of curiosity, he tiptoes closer, leans over so he can see the man’s face, and soonyoung nearly drops his shoes. 

the reality of the last two days hits him all at once, the fog of shock clearing for the quiet dread that drags through every vein in soonyoung’s body. the very blood in his heart seems to be scratching up the sides, rubbing him raw, barbed wire around his neck that chokes him before his eyes even begin to sting. 

the absolute, soul-crushing ache that comes with seeing his first love again is something soonyoung has only ever imagined in his darkest, darkest moments. 

he can see the beginnings of crow’s feet around joshua’s eyes, the sickly pallor of his face. joshua is going to wake up sore with the way his back is curved but soonyoung feels like if he steps any closer, if he even opens his mouth the air around him will break and soonyoung will cut himself on the shards. 

there is no picking up where they left off. this isn’t a joshua that can merely be adjusted in soonyoung’s mind to fit the present, but a new template entirely. everything he feels like he knows about him needs to be corrected, everything he learns about him comes with hesitation, has to come out of someone else’s mouth or dragged out from between joshua’s teeth. he might have known him for years, might have been the person that joshua came to tell everything to, but now he feels like the floor has dropped from beneath him. he feels like a stranger to himself.

it’s too fucking cold outside. soonyoung can feel the frost on his lashes. 

maybe. he’s not sure. 

** _07:43 PM, JANUARY 01_ **

“_jeonghan_,” soonyoung is sniffling. he’s grown into himself, learned how to accept his emotions, and admits to crying more often than the average adult man. jeonghan doesn’t say anything when he lets soonyoung in, just closes the door behind him and guides soonyoung to the softest spot on the couch. there’s nothing ordinary in the tear tracks frozen on soonyoung’s face. 

he’s not young enough to believe in soulmates anymore, but the pain feels as fresh as yesterday, like his heart is being torn out anew. there is no numbness, nothing dull about the way he sobs against jeonghan’s shoulder, snot dripping onto his sweater. he cries, hysterical and ugly, inconsolable. 

none of this is new to him, but the drowsiness of time is nothing before the fact that for soonyoung there is no _one_. romance is a figment of his imagination, the love he receives is not innate but an effort, there’s no one that’s _meant_ for him. not even joshua. he cannot imagine romance in the reality that he will never know him completely, fully, lovingly. that he’s no longer  _ allowed _ to even imagine that he can, that joshua has his walls up around him now, that he smiles funny when soonyoung assumes he knows his life and the reality of it is different. what a joke to even begin to think he knows joshua - that there was somehow something tethering them together after all these years, like the line between them wasn’t cut. 

he thought he’d learned to live around this - that life is romantic only in the imagination, that he can learn to love anyone if he tries hard enough, that they’ll make the effort to love him. 

he feels like a child, cheeks stinging with imprint of his mother’s hand. the world is unfair. the love that he wants, that he’ll never doubt, will never fit into the reality that he’ll ever know someone enough to know their heart. 

** _09:57 PM, JANUARY 02_ **

jihoon sucks his teeth and the noise is jarring in the stillness of soonyoung’s kitchen. he’s hardly said anything, but his expression speaks volumes. he likes to think of himself as a quiet person, but everything jihoon does is _loud_, attention grabbing in a way that soonyoung works himself skin and bone to be. the way he walks, carries himself with the understanding that whatever he says must be  _ heard _ \- even when jihoon isn’t talking, soonyoung finds himself leaning to listen. 

(jihoon  _ does _ talks a lot though - he could be quiet for a whole day but the moment he’s found someone who’ll hear him out he’s all but screaming into their ear, opinions, opinions, _arguments_. and of course, soonyoung talks back. 

soonyoung wonders sometimes why jihoon chose him, after so many years, when he’s always complaining about soonyoung talking his ear off, when he can’t stand conversation with most people. whatever. soonyoung counts his blessings.)

soonyoung sets his beer bottle down, pursing his lips. jihoon still hasn’t answered his question.

“so?”

jihoon narrows his eyes. “give me a second, i’m trying to remember, asshole.” he takes a sip of his beer to punctuate it, except he’s glaring at soonyoung all the while instead of looking like he’s thinking, so soonyoung just pouts, making a noise at the back of his throat. 

“don’t give me puppy eyes,” soonyoung pouts even more, “and fuck- i mean. he never told me he’s _moving_? just that he bought a place here. cause his publisher is here you know? besides, i see him all the time in LA. he spends a couple weeks there, visits his mom, we hang out, then he comes here, i guess. he’s got this cabin up in connecticut too, like an hour away from mine. pretty sure he’s got wifi up there, but he just,” he pauses, makes a face like he can’t pick a word. “disappears? i mean, not _really_, you know, he still texts, but he just. fuckin’, i don’t know, he said he goes up there to write but he spends like, _months_ there. he writes _young adult _books, i really don’t think solitude is going to make that any more bearable.”

soonyoung feels like he should be hearing all of this from joshua, but fuck, jihoon flying all the way here just for him, just cause he was crying, to ask if soonyoung wants him to talk to joshua for him. his heart aches. he missed him so much and that feeling never goes away.

he sighs, slumping against table, scratching at the label on his bottle. “okay. fine. that makes sense. i guess.”   
he doesn’t know why he’s upset about this, just that he is. there’s a solution to everything, he’s learned, and that sometimes it’s just a matter of waiting for everything to resolve itself, but soonyoung is impatient. old habits die hard. he wants to fix _this_, whatever this is, but his head is muddled and his hands are itching for _something_. 

jihoon leans back, crossing his arms over his chest. “look, i don’t know why you’re dragging this out. thought this would be pretty cut and dry.”

yeah, soonyoung did too. he frowns at his beer bottle before resolutely raising it to his lips, draining what’s left. though he can’t see it, he can  _ feel _ jihoon’s judgement, laid thick on his shoulders. that’s the thing about jihoon: you can’t ignore him, not even if you want to,  _ especially _ when he won’t let you. maybe that’s why he’s always been better at knocking sense into soonyoung’s head than anyone. 

he sighs, rubs at his cheek weakly. “i thought so too. i was gonna talk to him. see if he wanted this as well and then just. yesterday morning i saw him and all i could think about was how different everything is now. we spent so much time catching up and all i can think about is how i’m supposed to fit into his life now.”

soonyoung wants joshua back in his life. he wants it so fucking bad. every second with him is like relief, thick and sweet, a balm over the anxieties that taint every waking moment. just being near him, hearing his voice, feeling his eyes, his attention, his affection - medicine. cures him of a sickness he didn’t know he had. puts him on solid fucking ground, clears the air in his lungs, puts a spring in his step. it feels like waking up. like everything without him is sleep, everything without him is a dream, just waiting to open his eyes and see the sun. 

soonyoung doesn’t believe in soulmates anymore, but love is an instinct. it’s not something he can forget. he could go his whole life without seeing joshua again and would know love just from the way he made him feel. he sees joshua again and wonders how he could ever feel like he could ever love anyone else. play house and pretend he hadn’t already met the only person he’s ever truly wanted. 

jihoon purses his lips, finishes the rest of his beer just so he can think before he speaks. “you need to talk to him,” he reaches over, gets another drink for both of them, “you’re an adult and you have your own life but i don’t think anything’s going to change that much if you get back together. he travels a lot but you and i both know he’d drop everything for you. there’s no reason you can’t at least try. nothing’s going to come between you this time.” 

he bites the inside of his cheek, thinks about the last time he and jihoon had the chance to talk like this. the last time he, joshua, jihoon had all been able to hang out as friends. is it too much to want that back? when he was younger he’d thought himself greedy to imagine a life like that. to have everything. his life is so different now. so much better. is it okay to want more? 

jihoon sighs, opens soonyoung’s bottle for him. sweet to him, even when his words are harsh. was soonyoung a saint in his past life? a martyr?   
“just don’t wait too long before you talk to him again, okay? you make bad decisions when you’re in your head too much.”

soonyoung laughs. the joy of meeting his best friend again after so long is unparalleled. 

** _12:05 AM, JANUARY 03_ **

soonyoung gingerly tucks the blanket around jihoon’s shoulders, smoothing down his friend’s hair and tucking it behind his ears. jihoon barely stirs, just lets out a tiny breath. beneath the thick blanket he looks even smaller than he already does. he’s gotten thinner since the last time soonyoung saw him, cheekbones and dark circles far more prominent than they used to be. jihoon has only ever been half good at adulthood, too obsessively devoted to his work to look after himself. soonyoung’s glad he’s got people to look out for him there.

(he wonders if joshua is one of those people, if he visits as often as jihoon says he does.)

jihoon turns over at the sound of the shutter sound, and soonyoung holds his breath, frozen, but jihoon doesn’t wake up, thankfully. 

by the time soonyoung settles in beside him, his phone screen shines with a notification, and soonyoung tucks himself under the blankets, getting cozy before he opens it.

_ [ From: Josh | Received at 12:11AM ]  
_ Is that Jihoon?

_ [ From: Josh | Received at 12:11AM ]  
_ Is he in NY???

soonyoung turns over, lying on his stomach so he can type better. 

_ [ To: Josh | Sent at 12:11AM ]  
_ ya

_ [ To: Josh | Sent at 12:12AM ]  
_ he’s visitin for a couple days cause being there was makin him stressed. he said he wasnt telling anyone

_ [ To: Josh | Sent at 12:12AM ]  
_ cause hes tryna avoid journalists

_ [ To: Josh | Sent at 12:12AM ]  
_ also he missed me 😇😇😇

jihoon had never said so, he’d even cursed him out when soonyoung had picked up from the airport with a bouquet of roses, but soonyoung had seen the irritation melt off his shoulders the moment they saw each other, and he’s used to reading into the things jihoon doesn’t say.

_ [ From: Josh | Received at 12:13AM ]  
_ :(

_ [ From: Josh | Received at 12:13AM ]  
_ I’ll call him in the morning then

_ [ From: Josh | Received at 12:13AM ]  
_ I didn’t think he’d be so shaken up by all this

soonyoung chews at the inside of his cheek, fingers hovering over the screen as he tried to word his reply. he wants to ask joshua about jihoon, about how he’s faring, if they’re still as close as they used to be. jihoon had done his best to answer all his questions, but it’s an awkward topic and jihoon combats that with sarcasm and- well-  
soonyoung can only do so much with that. 

just as he’s about to type out his message, his phone lights up.

_ [ From: Josh | Received at 12:15AM ]  
_ You should sleep too

_ [ From: Josh | Received at 12:15AM ]  
_ You go back to work on Wednesday right?

_ [ From: Josh | Received at 12:15AM ]  
_ You need rest

it feels too familiar. it feels like he’s clinging onto something he can’t have. is the universe so good to give him this too? 

_ [ To: Josh | Sent at 12:16AM ] _

lets meet tomorrow

_ [ To: Josh | Sent at 12:16AM ]  
_ i wanna see you

  
  
  


_ [ From: Josh | Received at 12:17AM ]  
_ I’ll come over

_ [ From: Josh | Received at 12:17AM ]  
_ Is 5 ok?

  
  
  


_ [ To: Josh | Sent at 12:17AM ]  
_ yeah

_ [ To: Josh | Sent at 12:18AM ]  
_ see you then

  
  
  


_ [ From: Josh | Received at 12:18AM ]  
_ Okay

_ [ From: Josh | Received at 12:18AM ]  
_ Good night sleep well

  
  


soonyoung’s hand stills, before he types out a goodnight and puts his phone aside. it’s a strange feeling, missing someone when they’re so close by.   
it’s late and soonyoung imagines himself lying across joshua’s bed, an arm slung around his waist, resting his head on joshua’s chest, feeling the vibrations of his voice right beside the beating of his heart. 

the idea of it feels like both a memory and a fantasy - dangerous territory. it makes him homesick in a way he hasn’t felt in a long time.

maybe he’s just clingy.

soonyoung rubs at his eyes and tries, pathetically, to fall asleep. 

** _03:23 PM, JANUARY 03_ **

he taps his pencil against the paper, design long forgotten. soonyoung bites his lip, but it does little to keep the grin off his face. jihoon is destroying soonyoung’s kitchen in the process of making lunch, having very easily fallen for a well aimed jab at his cooking skills. 

_ “that sounds beautiful. are you sure i can’t see it yet?” _

“nope,” he chimes, “not till i’m done with it.”  
he stares down at the pieces of paper shrewn over his desk, the print outs before him.  
“actually, maybe after i’ve gotten it tattooed. then.”

“_why?” _the weather is messing with the connection, but soonyoung can still hear the whine in joshua’s voice, and he grins. “_why are you holding it over my head like this?”_

soonyoung opens his mouth to reply, but he’s cut off by jihoon calling from the other room.

“hey, where do you keep your chilli flakes?”

he thinks he hears joshua snort on the other end, but soonyoung huffs, pulling the phone away from his ear to yell back. “i ran out!”

“what do you  _ mean _ you ran out?” he heard a pot clanging, that can’t be good, “you have a  _ guest _ coming over and you weren’t considerate enough to stock your kitchen?”

“i have gochujang in the fridge!”

a cupboard slams shut but there’s no response, and soonyong really thinks he should find out what jihoon is doing to his kitchen.

“_you’re letting jihoon cook_?” 

“yeah. he said his girlfriend taught him how to make tomyam.”

“_i… i don’t think you can use gochujang in tomyam.” _

“oh.”

joshua laughs on the other end. soonyoung feels warm all over. there’s a pause. “_i need to hang up now, okay? i’m sorry about tonight. i promise i’ll make it up to you_.”  
soonyoung leans back in his chair, sets his pencil down. “its okay. just try not to stay out too long. there’s another snow storm coming in.”

“_i won’t, i promise._” 

“okay,” he feels like he’s holding his breath when he’s not. “it’s good to hear your voice again.” 

silence. “_it was good to hear from you too._”  
joshua’s voice is prim, like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. soonyoung isn’t offended as much as he is concerned. feels like another world where joshua can’t tell him how he feels honestly. he questions now if joshua really is ditching for a meeting instead of finding an excuse to not talk about his emotions. 

“_okay, okay i really have to go now. talk to you soon.”_

soonyoung bites his lip. “yeah. see you soon.”

** _09:28 PM, JANUARY 04_ **

jeonghan rubs at his eyes, feigning exhaustion, but soonyoung knows that jeonghan just doesn’t want to look at him. 

“you dated.” his voice is as blank as can be, settling heavily into the corners of his apartment. 

wonwoo’s flight is delayed because of the storm, and soonyoung can see the messages in the corner of his computer screen. heathrow is boring and there’s nothing to do while he waits. soonyoung sends him a cat compilation on youtube and returns to jeonghan, squinting so he can see every pixelated facial expression. 

“you dated josh.”

jeonghan tenses, jaw tight, before he sighs, forces himself to relax. it reminds soonyoung of his mother, when he was young and she still had the patience to not yell at him. he feels like he’s about to be scolded and it only makes his blood boil. 

“no, we didn’t date, we were just- just messing around. we were both in a bad place and it was convenient.”

soonyoung crosses his arms, closing his eyes. he can’t look at him. soonyoung doesn’t want to be angry at jeonghan, he doesn’t. he inhales deeply, trying to control his breathing, keep himself calm. “then why did- if it wasn’t anything serious then why didn’t you talk to him for _years_?” 

“when i was- we-,” jeonghan sighs, frustration clear in his voice, and soonyoung opens his eyes. jeonghan doesn’t look at him, runs a hand through his hair. when he speaks, he says his words too fast, like he’s in a rush to get them out. he looks away from the camera. “we were just fighting _all the _**_time_** and it just kept escalating and he had just started seeing someone at else and it was all just-” he sighs, holding his head in his hands.  
“i guilted him really hard because i was angry at him and by the time i came back from rehab we’d just stopped talking completely and i didn’t know how to- how to fix things.” 

soonyoung leans his head back. breathe in, count to ten, breathe out. “why would you-” he sucks in a breath, reminds himself to keep his voice low, level. this is his friend, his friend who’s hurt, “why would you  _ guilt-trip _ him if you weren’t serious?”

the  _ shame _ that settles in jeonghan’s expression tells soonyoung far more than he knows what to do with. this wasn’t meant to be an interrogation and a sick sort of guilt claws at soonyoung’s gut, tells him he should be ashamed for treating jeonghan like this even though he knows he’s in the right. 

jeonghan shuts his eyes, eyelids shifting with his pained expression. someone that doesn’t want to lie. “i don’t want to say it.”

“i think you should.”

exhale, the wifi spots in and out. “i wanted to hurt him.”

soonyoung doesn’t know what to say to that, so he doesn’t say anything at all. a silence settles over them, punctuated by the sound of his laptop whirring. jihoon sits next to him, silent. his hand settles on soonyoung’s forearm. anchors him. 

it’s getting late.

he sighs. “when i… when i first moved here, did you help me because you felt guilty? is that why you never brought up joshua to me?”

jeonghan shakes his head, lips pursed. “i helped you because you’re my friend.”

“joshua was your friend too,” he spits back, too fast. breathe in. calm down, soonyoung. jihoon rests his forehead on soonyoung’s shoulder. 

“you weren’t there, soonyoung. you don’t know how hard it was for us back then. you don’t know half of what we went through.” 

soonyoung opens his mouth to retort, but when he finds that he doesn’t know what to say, he closes his mouth. he doesn’t know, and part of him feels bad, feels like he should be more understanding. another part of him feels _robbed_, in a strange way. those years where his friends were in america, struggling to make something of themselves on their own terms while he was halfway across the world suffering under his mother’s hand because he was too scared to be his own person. he’s lost time with them, been absent when they were going through the worst parts of their lives, when he could have been there for them. there are things that he’ll never understand simply because he wasn’t _ there. _

another part of him says that doesn’t matter. that jeonghan shouldn’t have hid this from him, that soonyoung had a right to know.

his eyes are burning, and he looks away, swallowing down his apprehension. “who knows about this? about you and josh?”

jeonghan sighs, dejected. “you, me, joshua. my sister and my parents. eunbi. jihoon. it’s not exactly a secret. most of our friends here don’t know about him.”

that’s good. the less people that know the easier it’ll be for him, for jeonghan. he can’t imagine any of their friends would be happy about any of this, least of all minghao. maybe if soonyoung wanted to,  _ really _ wanted to, he could justify to his friends cutting off jeonghan. but that feels dramatic and deep down he doesn’t want to go there. it’d be complicated and messy and he loves jeonghan. he does, even if his head hurts and he’s angry and all of this is making him want to cry. 

"is that everything?”

jeonghan nods. 

soonyoung scoffs, looking away. “you know, when he said you fought he really made it seem like it was his fault.”   
there’s a tenseness to jeonghan’s voice unlike before. soonyoung doesn’t know what to do with the knowledge that he’s made him angry - he can’t remember the last time he and jeonghan had fought. temperamental as they both were, jeonghan knew how to avoid anything serious - anything like this, quelling whatever annoyance was between them before it could grow worse. he had that effect on people - he knew how to talk soonyoung out of anything.

“he  _ left _ me, soonyoung. i was jobless and homeless and he _kicked me out_. i had to go live with my sister. i was-” jeonghan voice cracks over the shitty reception, and soonyoung looks at him, waits. jeonghan’s head is turned away, but he can see him taking in a shaky breath. 

soonyoung feels it again, that dull pang of loss in his chest. it’s hard to stay angry at jeonghan, even when he wants to. the sight of his struggling now makes something sick tug at his heart, but he stays where he sits, arms crossed.

jeonghan sighs, speaking more clearly. soonyoung can  _ see _ the moment he composes himself, can practically see the way jeonghan’s mind buries everything down to right himself again. “i was a dick to him but he forced me out of his life, and i know he wasn’t in the best place either but that wasn’t fair. he knew how much i was struggling then.”

“okay. i’m sorry,” soonyoung closes his eyes. “are- are you guys talking now? after the party?”

jeonghan sounds like he’d rather be lying than speaking at all, but is, begrudgingly. soonyoung is all too familiar with his tone. “yeah, a little bit. i got his number then and we messaged a little but i wanna meet him in person. so. not properly yet, no.” 

a moment of silence settles between them, and jeonghan sits, staring at him through the camera, so still that soonyoung thinks he’s frozen before jeonghan sighs and leans back, running his hands through his hair. soonyoung wishes they could have this conversation in person too, but he’s not keen to go out in this weather. 

jihoon speaks up. “don’t wait too long, okay? he misses you too.” 

jeonghan leans in. “he does?”

“yeah. we don’t talk about it but you know him. none of us can live without you.” 

that gets a laugh out of jeonghan, and soonyoung thinks he maybe heard a sniffle too, but who knows. “yeah, yeah you’re fucking right. none of you would last a day without me.” 

jihoon grins and angles the laptop towards him, putting soonyoung out of the frame entirely. he has to lean over again so his eyes are at the edge of the camera. “come visit us soon, okay hyung? jihoon won’t stay here forever.”

jihoon scoffs. “what are you talking about? i only came to see him.”

jeonghan laughs, loud and abrasive, chopped up, before the wifi gives out and dies under the blizzard. 

oh well.

** _06:38 PM, JANUARY 07_ **

soonyoung takes the cake carrier from joshua, setting it on the kitchen counter as he gets some plates for them. “you really didn’t have to, y’know. i’m just glad to see you.” 

when he turns around, joshua is kneeling to put his shoes away, straightening out all of soonyoung’s shoes where they’ve been kicked off. soonyoung hesitates, watches. he’s so cute, even now. joshua in his apartment is doing things to his heart. 

“yeah, i did. i blew you off the other day.” 

“you _didn’t_.” soonyoung opens the box to find a perfect little cheesecake, just big enough for the both of them. he turns it away from joshua and cuts into the crack on the top so it’s less obvious, takes the piece that’s less perfect. “you had a meeting last minute and you called me to tell me. that’s not blowing me off. besides your book is coming out soon, i’m surprised you even have time to meet me. shouldn’t you be really busy?”

“ahh, yes and no. this time i’m usually just waiting for things to happen. i have more work directly after the book comes out. but there’s a chance that there’s going to be a movie.”

“_what!_” soonyoung sits in front of him at the table, eyes wide, “that’s huge! is it gonna be a whole series like harry potter? when is it gonna come out?” 

joshua grins, sheepish. “slow down, slow down. i don’t wanna jinx it. it’s too early to say anything like that. i was meeting with my publisher to talk about whether that’s a good option. they were hoping for a network tv series before. ” 

“but you’re excited?”

joshua hums, smiling wide. “i am.”

soonyoung digs into the cake, aware of joshua watching for his reaction, he doesn’t need to exaggerate. “this is so good.” 

joshua grins, picks up his spoon finally. “of course. i only get the best.” 

soonyoung wants to laugh, but he closes his eyes, indulges himself with another bite. it’s that perfect. he doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth but  _ holy hell  _ it’s good. “i started listening to an audiobook of _fire circuit_. i’m gonna catch up before the third one comes out.”

“oh! what part are you on?”

joshua’s whole face lights up, and soonyoung doesn’t think he’s too good at explaining the parts he likes, the characters he relates to. but he tries, exaggerates a little. joshua can’t hide how happy it makes him, not to soonyoung. 

it’s unexpected, how much joshua has changed, grown, matured, and yet soonyoung finds himself peeling away the layers so quick. every new thing about him is a gem. soonyoung cradles the changes close, wants to spend hours and hours relearning joshua. he’s different now. they’re both different. sitting with him now, holding his hand on the table, laughing with him as his heart slides into place, that fact doesn’t seem so daunting. 

** _07:14 PM, JANUARY 07_ **

he lies back against the headboard, propping up a pillow behind him. joshua sits crosses legged in front of him, patient. 

“come here.” 

he hesitates, but soonyoung holds his hand out. joshua moves forward, lying between soonyoung’s legs, head against his chest, their arms wrapped around eachother. soonyoung cradles him, closes his eyes and sighs. he smells like shampoo, and it makes him feel sleepy. like he could curl up like this, joshua in his arms, and sleep forever. 

joshua tenses, but as soonyoung cards his hand through his hair, presses a kiss to the crown of his head, he softens, turns to mush in his arms. it’s easier for him to pretend he’s indulging soonyoung’s need for love than to admit he doesn’t know how to ask for it himself. 

“i’m going to be a lot busier next month.”

soonyoung hums. “me too.”

“no i mean, like,” joshua shuffles a bit, turns his head to look at soonyoung. his eyes shine in the low light. “i mean i don’t know if i have the time to- to date. there are gonna be months where i’m just gonna keep pushing things back with you for work. we’re gonna spend a lot of time away from each other.”

he sits up, and soonyoung’s chest aches immediately for the feeling of joshua against him. “soonyoung, i,” he looks away, squeezes his hand. soonyoung squeezes back. “i don’t want to go into this thinking that everything is going to be the way it used to be. we wouldn’t be long distance but we’re gonna end up spending a lot of time away from each other. i don’t want to promise you something i can’t give you.”

soonyoung traces over joshua’s knuckles, filed down nails. meticulous. “i know that. we’re adults now, we have our own lives.”  
he wants so badly to be greedy. “i don’t expect you to give me every second of yours.”

“but that’s just it. i want to-” joshua stops, mouth open as he struggles to say the words, frustration building before he huffs, looks away.   
soonyoung presses close, cups his face in his hands. “hey, hey look at me. talk to me.”

joshua raises a hand to touch soonyoung’s, fingers tracing over his. moves his head to kiss his palm, eyes shut. joshua never struggles with finding what to say - only with saying the truth. soonyoung leans in and kisses his temple. 

“i was stupid for breaking up with you. i was stupid and selfish and left you behind when you needed me. i should have stayed with you." he's never heard him so tense before. so angry, even when he lowers his voice to a whisper. "nobody else ever compared to you. fuck. fuck, even my job. when i look back none of it was ever worth leaving you for. you were it for me. everything else i could have done on my own, and i should have done it with you. you were everything to me and i was so selfish. i shouldn’t have done that to you. to us.”

“it wasn’t just you,” soonyoung’s heart is breaking, hot flashes like gunpowder from his chest to his mouth, burning, waiting to explode. voice so tight, he can barely hear his own words. “i gave up what we had too. i put so many things before you.”

he wants to say more, but his voice cracks. joshua pulls him in, tucks his head against his shoulder. soonyoung shudders. “i know,” arms tight around him. soonyoung has waited so long to be held. “we were stupid.  _ i _ was stupid to think i’d ever want anything more than you. i should have loved you better, the way you deserve. you deserve so much more than what i gave you.”

soonyoung tightens his hand in joshua’s shirt. kisses the underside of his jaw. “i won’t let you go. even when there’s distance between us, you’ll always come back to me, right? people have relationships like this. this is just how people do it now. we can too.”

joshua tilts his head down, kisses soonyoung, slow and sweet, breath shaky against his mouth. “i want to give you everything. i wish i could give you all of me, all the time.”

soonyoung grins, eyes stinging. he cries even when he’s happy. “its okay. just give me your heart.”

joshua stills, before dropping his head. “oh my god,” he whispers. disbelief. “why are you so cheesy,_ why_.”

soonyoung kisses the corner of his eye, his ear, his cheek. “just for you. you make me a sap.”

“you’ve always been a sap.”

“yeah. you like it though.”

joshua brushes away a tear from soonyoung’s cheek. “i love it.” kisses between his brows, “love everything about you.”

soonyoung grins, wraps his arms around joshua’s torso. “who’s the sap now?”

“still you.”

“shut _up_.” joshua kisses him again, cradles his jaw like soonyoung is the most precious thing he’ll ever touch, like he never wants to let go. 

he missed this so much. “we’ll make it work. even if we have to long-distance half the time.” joshua kisses his cheeks, his chin, his nose, like he can’t stop. soonyoung giggles, heart bursting, wide, open, fills his chest with brimming affection. “i’ll always be yours.” 

** _04:38 PM, JANUARY 09_ **

soonyoung slumps against the wall of the practice studio, sliding to the floor and making grabby hands at minghao. they’ve been at this since eight in the morning and they've made more progress today than they have in the last month. granted, most of that time they were away from the studio, but still. soonyoung feels good about this. 

minghao shoves a water bottle into soonyoung’s waiting hands, flopping down beside him to catch his breath.

there’s a moment of quiet, cooling down, but minghao won’t stop staring at him, eyes trained like he’s waiting for the right moment to jump. soonyoung empties his water bottle to avoid looking him in the eye, but the hairs on the back of his neck are rising and minghao’s gaze sends a fresh wave of sweat down his spine. waiting for him to crack. 

“stop staring at me.”

“i can’t look at my friend?” 

“it’s weird.”

“why can’t i look at you?”

“its weird!” 

“how is it weird? don’t you love me too?” minghao’s got him beat. he whines and minghao laughs, loud. he’s mean even when he’s sweet on him. 

“i do love you. my favorite,” minghao leans away knowing already what’s coming, “the sweetest friend. let me kiss-” minghao pinches soonyoung’s puckered lips before he even gets a chance to plant one on him.

“you’re in such a good mood today.” he flicks his chin, and soonyoung pouts, moves away like a wounded animal. “you gonna say why?”

soonyoung grins, cat that got the canary, “i have a date tonight.” 

minghao’s eyes widen. “what happened to joshua?” the look on soonyoung’s face must say it all, because minghao’s shock turns to an incredulous smile. “you guys are getting back together?”

soonyoung nods. “yeah. we’re both gonna be really busy in the next couple months so we decided to take it slow. but we talked and it felt right. it feels good.”

it feels so fucking good. soonyoung feels like he’s floating, bitten by the love bug, can’t come down. 

“i’m glad. as long as he makes you happy.”

soonyoung coos. “my sweetest friend. always trying to protect me. let me kiss you, come he- _ayayayayayah!_”

minghao doesn’t even hesitate before he reaches out and pinches soonyoung’s nipple through his shirt.

ruthless.

** _07:29 PM, JANUARY 09_ **

he shrugs off his coat, ear squished against his shoulder to keep his phone in place as he puts away his coat and shoes. 

_ “i don’t think i can cancel my preorder this late.”  
_ soyeon’s voice disappears at the end, sheepish and embarrassed at her uncle for not knowing this. 

soonyoung huffs, fixes his hair in the front camera while she blanks at him.  _ “you look fine, why are you doing that?”  _

“uncle has to look perfect all the time, it’s in the contract for the world’s most handsome man.”   
joshua snorts as he takes soonyoung’s bag from him, setting it down in the living room. 

soyeon gags, fake throwing up right into the camera. the _audacity_. “_you’re so ugly. they must have looked at the wrong soonyoung.” _

“hey! who said you can call me by my first name. tch, these kids are so american now, huh?”

joshua gives him a look, mouthes _what's that supposed to mean_, before he ducks back into the kitchen, waits for soonyoung to end the call. he’s cooking tonight, and the whole apartment smells delicious. maybe those bougie lunch boxes are worth it.

soonyoung follows him, takes a seat on the island as he watches joshua in front of the stove, apron cinched at his waist. he’s so hot. he’s seen him cook before but not like this - adult, put-together, following a recipe,  _ wearing an apron.  _ soonyoung considers keeping him as a trophy husband but his brain short circuits before that train of thought gets too far. 

“_hellooooooooooooooo? uncle? are you frozen?”_

“huh?” he looks back to the screen, his darling niece so annoyed at him, “sorry yeonnie. but yeah, see if you can cancel your preorder. i got you a signed copy and i’m gonna mail it to you.”

“_YOU GOT A SIGNED COPY?”_

joshua turns around, so fast the wooden spoon he points at soonyoung flicking sauce on the fridge. soonyoung pleads with his eyes.   
“i didn’t agree to that,” he hisses, stage whispering like the reception in his apartment isn’t crystal fucking clear and soyeon won’t hear what he says. 

soonyoung pouts. “do it cause you love me.”

“don’t be a brat.”

“_uncle? who’s that?”_

“hey! don’t insult me in front of my niece!”

joshua laughs, leans in and kisses soonyoung right on the mouth, leaving him sputtering before he turns back to the stove, grinning as soyeon shrieks on the other end. 

“_who’s that! who is that!! mom, mom! uncle has a boyfriend!_ ”

leeyoung is raising a fucking snitch. “hey! don’t tell your mom anything or you won’t get your present.”

soyeon whines, and the camera shakes like she’s stomping her foot. “_fine. but you have to tell me **ALL** about him.” _

“i will, but later okay? i have to go now.”

she squeals, and soonyoung wishes his cheeks weren’t so red. can he still blame it on the cold outside? “_okay. bye bye uncle.”_

soonyoung waves at the camera, blows a kiss, throws a finger heart. “good night cutie. sleep soon. i love you _soooo_ much.” 

she sticks her tongue out and hangs up on him. 

“she’s gotten so big now.” joshua looks over at him, and soonyoung hops off the counter, coming up behind him to hug him. he hooks his chin over his shoulder and hums. 

“yeah. she thinks she’s too big to do aegyo now.” 

“she is twelve.” joshua lifts up the spoon to soonyoung’s mouth. “taste it?” 

he squeezes joshua closer to him, opens his mouth wide to put the whole spoon in his mouth, ignoring joshua’s squeak of disapproval. “it’s perfect.” 

“of course. i made it.” haughty. some things don’t change.

soonyoung nips his ear, laughing when joshua squirms in his grip. “yeah. my perfect boyfriend made me a perfect dinner.” 

joshua puts the spoon down and twists in soonyoung’s arms, facing him, hands coming up to squeeze his face. soonyoung flushes, hot right to his chest, sucking in a breath. with the way joshua’s staring, eyes intense as hell, smiling so fucking smug - soonyoung feels like he’s going to be eaten alive. “say that again for me?”

soonyoung sticks his tongue out. “my boyfriend.”

joshua leans in and kisses him, squishes his face so tight that soonyoung can’t do much but stare at him, eyes wide open, bewildered when joshua pulls away and smiles so bright, eyes shining like soonyoung put the light back in them. “your boyfriend,” so soft. 

soonyoung leans in, kisses him again and again and again, till joshua is shaking, giggling against his mouth, loose limbed and leaning on him, sweet sweet sweet. 

**Author's Note:**

> im nOOOOOOOOOOT happy with this one!!! not even a little bit!!! i first started this fic sometime around spring 2018 and there's multiple versions - i think at least 3-4 that i went through while rewriting and coming back and forgetting what plot i was going for because i never write outlines and then coming up with a different ending before remembering my original and its! this fic went through so much unnecessarily. so much. theres about 20k of content /deleted scenes/different versions of scenes that didnt make it into the final cut
> 
> ultimately i just wanted to finish this and get it out of my drafts lmao. a wip for longer than a year and a half? EMBARRASSING (even though i have exo fics that ive been writing on/off for years now lmao)
> 
> kinda sad that this is my first soonshua fic, a pairing i really love, but also i had this fic idea close to my heart for a long time before i finally put it up so i guess its not all too bad. i struggle a lot with writing long fic and maintaining a consistent style + characterization through out. there's a lot more that i wanted to do with this fic but i think this was a decent place to end it - centering the fic around soonyoung and his struggles with joshua and his friends was my original goal and all the other stuff i eventually realized was just distracting from that. 
> 
> the only lesson i learned from this is that if i dont like writing scene transitions i dont have to
> 
> anyways! yeah! thank you so much 2 yara and ana and mika who have all been supporting me and pushing me 2 finish this fic because god knows i have more wips than i know what to do with. i can finally just put this fic in the past and move the fuck ON
> 
> 20200621 // Edited slightly. I cleaned up the text of spelling mistakes and formatting issues. Coming back to this fic after a year after publication... It's not as bad as I remember. It's still in my heart and I'm a lot more forgiving looking at it now.


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